The NFL Draft was dumb … and I watched it like everybody else. The pundits are saying it was a breakthrough success, that’s rubbish. The American people were simply desperate. Anyway, I had lots of questions. People hate people with lots of questions … at least mine come with answers.

Why do people who get picked in the NFL draft cry? I could see if they got drafted to serve in Vietnam, they might cry thinking they may never come back. God bless our soldiers, but why weep because you just became a millionaire? Did you ever break down sobbing on account of getting a job? Of course not, they’re crying because they have been tricked into being in touch with their feminine side, to be vulnerable. It’s a sad commentary, 350-pound crybabies … get the fuck out there and hit somebody.

Why did the number one pick in the NFL Draft have to watch himself getting picked in a little shack in Ohio sitting on a Naugahyde couch between moms and pops? Because he’s a protected little flower with not enough game to surround himself with six or seven hot blonde golddiggers. Good luck kid.

Why do the draft picks have to be announced by the guy who has the planet’s least amount of personality? Why not have it be like the Academy Awards, you know, with Don Rickles or someone as the host? Because the NFL has no imagination; because they are married to tradition and political correctness. Why not have ring girls like at a big boxing match? The audience is 100 percent male. Why not fill the place with cheerleaders in inappropriate outfits? Why indeed.

Why were there video feeds from the living quarters of coaches, owners and general managers? Nobody knows these guys or gives a shit about them. It’s the equivalent of a program about a restaurant showing video of the immigrants who empty the trash. And why do the coaches, when they announce their pick, react like, fuck ya, we got that guy? Holy crap, they made the pick, they know they got that guy.

Why did the draft have to be part football and part virus? Do we really need to be reminded of this plight every minute of the day – politically-correct crap. It’s not inspiring that Jenny, while being under house arrest, learned how to make sourdough bread, or that Spike taught himself to play Solitaire. We were looking for a diversion, a few hours of pure, stupid football nerdiness and we had to be subject to millions of instances of people telling us, we’re here for you during these difficult times. Barf!

Why did all the men, the dudes in all the houses of America’s collegiate football players dress like they picked up their clothes off the floor from the night before, while all the women wore tight dresses like they were going to the club? Well, that’s the essential difference between men and women.

Why don’t people use bar soap anymore? Don’t say soap scum. It’s because of social brainwashing. If you use bar soap all your skin will fall off on the way to work. But if you squeeze liquid soap out of a fancy container and make the shower a literal slip-n-slide that smells like expensive, overpowering perfume, then you’ll get hot chicks or be swept off your feet by Prince Charming. Suckers.

Why are scads of people on suicide watch because Disneyland might not be open until 2021? Because they live in Fantasyland and seeing people dressed up as cartoon characters makes their loins tingle. If Disneyland never opens again, then what I ask you, will all these basement dwellers do with their Star Wars and superhero costumes?

Why do all coaches say that their draft strategy is, we take the best player available? Because they’re all liars. The truth is that there are only two true draft strategies. The first is to draft the players that look the best in their uniforms. If you look good you play good, so if a guy is a bust the coach can say, “Come on, did you see how he looked on the field?” And the press will only be able to say, “Well, actually, he did look like a stud in that uniform.” The other draft strategy is the one that the New England Patriots use, they just try to find the most obscure players from the most out-of-the-way places. This has two main benefits: first, they think it makes them look smarter than everybody else, and second, since no one has ever seen any of those players play, then all anyone can say is, “Well, I guess he could be a player.”

Photo credit: Ilya Yakubovich on VisualHunt / CC BY-SA