The people who want to sell you Charmin bathroom tissue have lost their fuckin’ minds – in a foul and disgusting way. Of course, no one buys bathroom tissue, we buy, and probably hoard, fuckin’ toilet paper and I guess that’s where the big con starts.

They claim Charmin is a better ass cleaner than the other rolls you might purchase and that is obviously, well, a load of crap. They fail to mention that if your visit to the toilet requires a post-episode cleaning then no amount of fluffy texture is likely to remove the evidence. We don’t need bigger rolls or an improved, crap-grabbing pattern or rap singers freestyling about shiny hinnies or more shakeable booties. It’s simply not a necessary topic for discussion at any level.

But what we really, really do not need is a lesson in ass hygiene from a family of animated bears; bears who apparently take vacations and stay in hotel rooms where they obsess about butt wiping. In general, the bear community deserves better than this, and I for one believe it’s high time to speak up on behalf of the bears even if, in the privacy of their own dens, they only talk about toilet paper.

In a TV commercial that some American company paid real American dollars to run, as the animated bears circle in merriment, a tagline reads “Enjoy the Go.” The biggest pig amongst us doesn’t relish a trip to the crapper. The very concept is unfunny and repulsive … even if you have fur on your ass it’s gross, and that brings us back to the bears.

Bears are opportunity eaters, just like humans, which explains why your fat friends will eat chili dogs and down Coors Light for as long as you put those items in front of ’em. The difference is that while the average bear will certainly eat four-legged forest dwellers and the occasional lost camper in Yosemite, most bears are essentially herbivores – big hairy dudes gettin’ down on berries and ants and wild mushrooms and honey. As such, their digestive systems are much more refined and efficient than ours. They’re better at taking a crap than humans by nature. And that explains why that National Geographic special about Grizzlies never includes any bear ass wiping or toilet paper. They crap fuckin’ pellets and the only thing they’re worried about cleaning is the bones of the drunk prospectors they mauled in early spring.

Anyway, I resent that someone felt they needed to bring a family of bears into out bathrooms and we all should be pissed that toilet paper makers treat the buying public like a bunch of babies who can only grasp marketing concepts if they involve cartoons and a momma bear, daddy bear and a little furry ass-shaking kid bear that wears glasses. The bears don’t even have on any clothes … maybe they would be cleaner if they put on some underwear. At least Yogi Bear and Boo-Boo had the good sense to wear ties and hats.

We were all better off when we did not talk publicly about Number Two … when bears could be safe and sound in Jellystone Park, pinching pic-a-nic bask-ets free from human exploitation and from the degrading bathroom banter that just can’t be left unsaid.