Women are certainly as smart as men, probably smarter. That’s not controversial, and no dude I know would A) argue the point or B) give a holy shit. In normal human circles, it’s not a competition and this imaginary modern-day battle – men vs. women – never crosses the mind. Anyway, one clear indicator of female wit and intelligence is the things they’ve invented.

Among the most ingenious is the Porch Shield. A fascinating example of on-the-fly thinking.

When exactly this shrewd fashion accessory was invented is lost to history but it would seem to be a mid-twentieth century discovery. Very, very few gals leave home without it.

The Porch Shield is actually just a basic jacket, coat or sweater. The everyday sweatshirt is a popular and effective garment for this purpose as it can be instantly converted into a Porch Shield at the drop of a hat. Careful observation tells me that the Porch Shield is most often used while exercising especially during a walk in the park or the beach or along an outdoor trail. Still, women will deploy the Porch Shield in almost any public environment and in any weather conditions.

Men will often say, “Hey, it’s ninety-seven degrees outside, what’s with the sweatshirt?”
“Oh, well, it might turn could,” the gal replies.
“Really? It’s August and we’re on the equator.”
“I’d hate to be unprepared.”
Many still haven’t wised up to the existence of the Porch Shield.

Here’s how it works. A girl decides to get some outdoor activity. She gets out of the vehicle, walks around to the backseat and reaches for the peach sweatshirt she always keeps in the car. She puts on headphones, maybe some sunscreen and as she takes the first few steps she ties the sweatshirt around her waist, low on her hips so that the peachy fabric will cover her popolio … you know, her prestinion …

She has just turned the common hooded sweatshirt into a Porch Shield – the modern solution for literally covering your ass. Brilliant, right? I told you women were smart as hell.

Psychoanalysts all agree that women – in the millions – use this product for two all-consuming reasons, their ass is too big and men are constantly looking at it. Again, painstaking research tells me they are correct on both counts. Yet while the Porch Shield stands as a testimony to the creative prowess of the female and is a fascinating example of their spur-of-the-moment adaptability, the Porch Shield is likely overused.

If the porch is gigantic, people will naturally avert their eyes as if seeing an especially gory traffic accident, so using a shield may just end up bringing more attention to something everyone’s trying to forget. At the other end of the spectrum, if the sweatshirt is used as a sign of modesty, the attempt of a shy owner to cover up a perfectly good butt, then the Porch Shield seems a little heavyhanded, a “masking” technique that is kinda unfair to the rest of society.

Women are sharp alright, they’re always trying to keep you guessing. Lots of times they will try to disguise what they’re thinking but other times they’re 05just trying to disguise … well … their butts.

Photo credit: dorywithserifs on Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA