Well, there was no suspenseful ending here. No halfcourt shot at the buzzer, no bases-loaded bottom-of-the-ninth drama, no ball sailing through the uprights as time expires, no unknown candy from some small town riding in on a licorice train to shock the candy world. No, this was an old-fashion ass-kicking; the big kid on the block pushing around a bunch of kindergarteners. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups has been crowned champion of the Best Candy Ever Tournament, and while there were some sweet performances by some unlikely treats, it wasn’t really very close.
Let me tell you what happened (you can look at the final championship bracket below). Over 100 people submitted a candy bracket and that means we know a lot of people with cavities, but it also means that candy is more important than lots of things in life and it sure as hell is more important than basketball.
Reese’s was the champion of the Candy Bar Region, Tootsie Pops were the best in the Traditional Region, Rolos emerged from the Chewy Region and completing the Final Four, was Skittles, the champion of the Crunchy Region. Reese’s had their way with Tootsie in the first championship semi and Rolos squeaked by Skittles in the other and then Reese’s dominated the championship contest like some overgrown chocolate and peanut butter bully. Frankly, Reese’s are a drug and, unfortunately, it seems most mortals are powerless to resist.
To the Reese’s faithful, there were celebrations in Candyland. For the rest of us, it was a bit of a bummer. For me personally, chocolate isn’t candy, so I was hoping a true piece of candy – something crunchy or chewy, something fruit flavored with the potential to chip a tooth – would emerge. You can make me crown Reese’s but you can’t make me eat ’em.
Still, I’ll fondly remember the 2018 tournament. The Candy Bar Region was an absolute powerhouse and whoever survived was gonna be hard to deal with. People dig candy bars and their fans turned out in large numbers. Two other chocolatey entries had surprising, dominating runs. Andes Mints and Rolos benefitted from not having to run the Candy Bar Region gauntlet, and some voters questioned their placement in the Traditional and Chewy Regions respectively to which I say, “Mind your own fuckin’ business.”
To me, Rolos and Andes Mints and Tootsie Pops were the surprises of the tournament. Jolly Ranchers and Skittles did what I’d thought they’d do. Peeps and Bottlecaps and Pez and Runts probably did not belong in the tournament. I was happy to see Jelly Beans put Candy Corn in its place. I was on the edge of my seat as Black Licorice took Red Vines into overtime. And when Twix beat Take 5 I said to myself, “A lot of these knuckleheads must have never had a Take 5.”
In examining the results, sweet definitely beat sour, which is disappointing considering all the time and energy I’ve invested in being sour.
Anyway, maybe we’ll come up with a new idea next year so that we can talk about candy for the entire month of March.
I hope your Easter basket contains a bracket-ful of candy and that you will keep the candy dream alive by teaching the little ones about our candy heritage and encouraging them this Easter to eat candy until they become sick to their stomach.