If you eat enough meals with enough people the in-between-bite topic will surely turn to what you like. “You like corn?” “Ya, Fritos Scoops mostly.” “Do you eat potatoes?” “The French fry is one of the four basic food groups.” “How about cheese?” “I eat anything that you can squirt from a can.”

“That’s not cheese!” “Of course it is, I suppose the next you’ll be telling me is that cheese puffs aren’t cheese.” Food geeks are irritating. Nowadays everything needs to be organic or locally sourced or derived from chickens that have to be able to turn around in their cages and have Sinatra music piped into the chicken coop while someone gives them a chicken manicure. To all these people I’ve come to grips with the fact I’ll never be cheesy enough.

My favorite cheese is American. All cheese should have a nationality. It’s patriotic but most say it’s really not cheese. That’s bullshit. If a place asks you what kind of cheese you want on your burger, you should get up and walk out. Every burger comes with Kraft American Singles – it’s in the Constitution. I’ll eat the shit straight out of the slippery individual wrapper, I’ll fold it up into sixteenths, make a little cheesy pile and eat stack after stack.

Macaroni and cheese can’t be cheese. It’s tiny bits of pasta and orange dust that magically becomes cheese with a little water and a microwave.

Cheesologists say cheese whiz isn’t cheese. Ya, well, it’s actually called Easy Cheese and tons of real shit comes in cans. Just because the French say cheese has to have mold on it to be real cheese doesn’t make it so. If something was born to sit on a Wheat Thin, then it’s cheese. You shouldn’t make fun of perfectly good food because it comes in a pressurized cylinder that allows you to form perfect letters in cursive.

I like parmesan cheese that you shake from a green canister. It’s delicious on everything, pasta, eggs, tacos, ice cream. People who read books about food say it’s not cheese. People who read books about food are defective. Dry parmesan that you shake becomes cheese in your mouth when it gets mixed with saliva. It’s all about science … foodie jerk-offs don’t get science.

Flaming Hot Cheetos might have trace elements of cheese in them, but it takes a cheese connoisseur like me to be able to detect it. Why is it okay for cheesecake to contain zero cheese but a cheese-less Cheeto sends the cheese purists into a tizzy? Shit, cheesecake has no cheese and it has no cake, it’s a double lie!

Just how cheesy is cheesy enough? Does eating artisanal cheese make you an artist? I think all you need to know about cheese can be found between two slices of Wonder Bread, wonderfully processed and thoroughly melted.