There are a lot of things you have to do in life, the secret is, the key to happiness in many ways, is knowing those things you never have to do twice. Well, depending on who you talk to, some of these things you get to do or have the pleasure of doing, but I say the things on the list are a general pain in the ass and I’m bitter about having to do them in the first place and I’ll be damned if I’ll do them twice. No, life is full of big broad categories whereby you should just have to check the box and be done with it … forever.

The Zoo … One zoo is the same as the next so don’t be fooled if someone tries to say, “Well you’ve been to the zoo before, but you haven’t been to this one …” The San Diego, the petting zoo, Subsaharan Africa – all the same. Sad animals that sleep all day. Don’t do it twice, get a National Geographic, pictures of animals are just as good.

SeaWorld … Sad swimming animals that sleep all day or are forced to do tricks for sardines. There may be a few cheesy rides but it’s still a watery zoo. Expensive and painful.

Fishing … This is just a drinking game in disguise, but drinking games are mostly funner on your own couch. You could get seasick and you won’t catch anything. If you get off on touching bait, get an aquarium.

A WNBA Game … The “W” stands for “worst.” It’s not that the gals can’t play, it’s just, well, who cares? The players’ own parents stop going after the season opener. Most people get WNBA tickets for free, as a bonus for buying tickets to real sports – it’s still torture.

Chuck E. Cheese … It would be better to take your pizza out into the alley and watch real rats run around. Yeah, but they say, “Do it for the kids.” Most kids are scared shitless by the whole ordeal. Once and only once.

Hollywood … A freak show in a bad neighborhood. Under any other circumstance, everyone you know would say it’s a bad idea. There’s no movie-making magic or romantic film history. It’s like a game of guess my gender. Only one thing could be worse and that’s going to Hollywood to be part of a live studio audience.

A Parade … Who made the mayor of Alta Dena grand marshall? Why’s he in a Volkswagen Thing? Why are you standing on the curb watching him? When the little Girlscouts come to your house to sell cookies you turn the hose on them, and now you’re standing ten people deep on the sidewalk next to the porta-potty just to get a glimpse of them? Never twice.

A Job Fair … It’s not a fair at all, in fact, it’s patently unfair. No single event will ever make you feel worse about your career or life. It’s the only place you can go to be both under-qualified and over-qualified within the span of seven minutes. Seriously, just go to a regular fair if you need a job, you’ll have a better chance of getting hired and they have cotton candy.

The Ballet … Attractive skinny girls bending in awkward positions in a dark auditorium – sounds really promising at first, but after fifty-eight minutes and the realization that this is just the first of three acts, you’ll wish you were at the dentist. People will say you need more culture and that you don’t appreciate true art, even though you know that standing on your tippy toes isn’t art, it’s a way to get the last beer at the back of the refrigerator. Don’t ever let it happen twice.

To be continued …