You can fill out a college basketball bracket if you want but this year, thankfully, there’s a super-sweet alternative. Welcome to the Best Candy Ever Tournament, a sixty-four candy contest that is sure to give you extra energy, dislodge fillings and, should you find it necessary to eat all sixty-four treats to help you feel confident in your selections, render you unable to button your pants by Easter.
Well, it’s almost March and I hope you still have a bag or two of candy hearts left and that you’re beginning to gather a surplus of jelly beans and other candy treats that only come around every Easter. You see, candy isn’t an occasional thing or an impulse purchase or some kind of fuckin’ reward for getting a C+ on your report card, it’s a way of life, a state of mind, a sweet-and-sour sugary religion. So you need to plan ahead and keep your head on a swivel for candy rarities and bulk purchasing opportunities. Whatever you do, eat some candy every day, be a kid for a minute or two, and remember that the sweet things in life don’t happen for the person who outgrows candy.
Californians often lament the absence of seasons. They get chapped about 90-degree January days and Autumn afternoons that aren’t crisp enough. This mainly happens because too many people still consider the seasons as being winter, spring, summer and fall. I long ago stopped viewing them that way and have made candy the focal point of my life so the seasons too me are Candy Hearts, Jelly Beans, Saltwater Taffy and Red Licorice. It’s way sweeter than waiting for leaves to fall or measuring the fuckin’ snowpack.