Californians often lament the absence of seasons. They get chapped about 90-degree January days and Autumn afternoons that aren’t crisp enough. This mainly happens because too many people still consider the seasons as being winter, spring, summer and fall. I long ago stopped viewing them that way and have made candy the focal point of my life so the seasons too me are Candy Hearts, Jelly Beans, Saltwater Taffy and Red Licorice. It’s way sweeter than waiting for leaves to fall or measuring the fuckin’ snowpack.

Candy Heart Season – What you know as winter I know to be the season of chalky deliciousness that’s shaped like a heart and quick with a friendly greeting like “Be Mine” or “Hug Me.” The uninitiated may think of this season as Candy Cane or Peppermint Bark season, but this is untrue and simple-minded because everyone knows that candy hearts are much preferred in Christmas stockings and are traditionally eaten in large handfuls during winter solstice gatherings around the world.

Of course, candy hearts are simply NECCO wafers (that would be the New England Candy Company) shaped like hearts. NECCOs were invented in 1847 but not stamped into their romantic shape until 1902. They figured out how to print sayings on the little discs in 1866 (with vegetable dye).

Jelly Bean Season – When the first flowers come into bloom we all know it’s time to greet our neighbors with a cheerful, Happy first day of Jelly Bean! The black jelly beans are best, followed by red, then purple, orange, yellow, green and pink. The white jelly beans should only be used to throw at a disobedient child.

Jelly beans are thought to have been invented sometime around the Civil War by a Boston candy maker. They became an Easter thing in the 1930s when people for some reason started to associate the shape with an egg instead of a bean. It’s true that some form of jelly beans can be found year round, but the connoisseur knows that the best jelly beans only grow on trees in the springtime.

Saltwater Taffy Season – Taffy was first tasted in its current form in late 19th century New Jersey. Taffy is pulled and pulled to add air to the corn syrup and sugar mix; the air making it softer. The saltwater part is said to have originated when a Jersey taffy shop was flooded with salty water from the Atlantic Ocean … someone named Patrick tasted it and liked it. Saltwater Taffy Season happens in what used to be known as summer because everyone knows that the best time to eat taffy is when it’s 100 degrees outside, that way the taffy gets melted and sticky making it impossible to separate from the paper. This kind of challenge is what Americans thrive on.

Red Licorice Season – By red licorice we mean Red Vines. The kind you get at a World Series game, in fact, it’s basically the only candy you can get at a baseball game, that’s why its season is in the season formerly known as Autumn, duh.

Red Vines weren’t a thing until the 1950s and no one really dug ’em at first but they soon became more popular than black licorice (even with candy it’s always gotta be racial).

I’ve seen adults at a Super Bowl party absolutely destroy a big tub of Red Vines, like the kind you get at Costco. This really shouldn’t be done in the middle of Candy Heart Season but some people got no sense.

Let’s all just celebrate the fact that it’s always candy season. Have a bitchin’ Saltwater Taffy.