A lot of you don’t know how to put your shoes and socks on. It’s sad really, alarming and sad. The time that was spent teaching children how to tie their shoes, it turns out, should have been spent on backing up a step and showing them how to actually install the socks and the shoes. Now it’s an epidemic with a huge swath of humans picking up shoes and picking up socks and just putting them on any old way – willy-nilly! Maybe a bit of explanation and a little song will help.

The correct way to get shoes and socks on your feet is as follows: 1) pick up a sock, put it on, 2) on the foot that now has a sock on it, find the corresponding shoe and put it on, 3) you should have one naked foot remaining, find it and put a sock on it, 4) find the shoe that’s not on your foot and place it on the foot that has only a sock on it. A simple way to remember how this works is to memorize the phrase, sock-shoe, sock-shoe.

You probably do it a different way, and if so, it’s wrong. People who put both socks on first and then put their shoes on – a sickness that’s commonly known as sock-sock, shoe-shoe – are especially misguided.

First off, all adults should avoid ever being caught in life with just their socks on. There are two natural states in life: barefoot and with shoes on. To be caught in between, that is, with socks on and no shoes, is irresponsible and embarrassing. What’s more, sock-sock, shoe-shoe people are people who celebrate procrastination, they have no sense of or commitment to efficiency, “Okay, I found a sock, I guess I’ll put it on … Hmmm, what’s next? Oh look, another sock, maybe I should put it on too … dum-da-dum-dum-dum … What should I do now? Oh, I’ll go make coffee, forget about those ol’ shoes, I can put them on any ol’ time!”

If a sock-shoe, sock-shoe guy gets surprised by a burglar, at least he’ll have one shoe on and he can kick the criminal in the balls, if sock-sock, shoe-shoe guy gets surprised midstream he’ll slip on the hardwood floor trying to stand up because he has on just socks.

But maybe it’s not too late for sock-sock, shoe-shoe guy. Maybe there’s still time to grow up and take some responsibility and live life with a little more common sense and efficiency. I know it’s a tricky concept, so I wrote a little ditty to help sock-sock, shoe-shoe people remember. Memorize the Sock-Shoe, Sock-Shoe song below and sing it day and night – there still may be hope.

Sock-Shoe, Sock- Shoe

Sock then shoe, sock then shoe
This is what I’m gonna do
With each fine day, I start a new
I’ll kick things off with sock then shoe