People lie, lots of times every single day. We rationalize it, put them in little categories to make them seem justifiable. There’s no such thing as white lies or beige lies. They don’t come in colors, they just come in bunches, one after the other, mostly about things that didn’t need to be lied about.

In many, many situations it’s just easier to lie than to tell the truth. I seem to excel in bearing false witness, so one day I counted.

I decided to only count the lies I told during business hours, not the ones I tell to friends and family during dinner or at social gatherings.

It pretty much starts at the crack of dawn, at the first human encounter of the day … I get asked how my weekend was, I say good, and that’s lie number one. The real weekend story is that it rained part of one day and the engine light went on in the truck and I put a $100 dollar bill in the church offering plate instead of the intended $1.

“Wanna know what I did?” asks my coworker because people at work only ask you questions about yourself so that they will have a chance to talk about themselves, “Sure,” I say [that’s LIE#2] … It would seem plain to see that I couldn’t give two fucks about anyone else’s weekend. When the story was done and I was fleeing the lunchroom I said, in response to her rambling weekend re-enactment, “Sounds like fun!” [there goes LIE #3] … It didn’t sound like fun, it sounded like Chinese water torture, it sounded like a weekend at Boring National Park with Mister and Missus Boring listening to the Life is Boring soundtrack.

Throughout the day, it kept going.

“How’s work on the McMillian account coming along?”
“I’m almost done.” [those three words are LIE #4] … I haven’t started yet.

“Hey boss, have any lunch plans?”
“Ya, unfortunately, I gotta run some errands.” [that was a lie, #5]… I’m free for lunch, but I don’t break bread with coworkers.

“Are you available tomorrow for an afternoon meeting?”
“Oooh, any afternoon but tomorrow, I have a conflict.” [that would be LIE #6] … I don’t take afternoon meetings, but I sounded sincere, yes?

I do, however, sit in a lot of meetings and the best way to deal with groups of people is to consistently misrepresent the truth.

“Hey Pat, thanks for coming.”
“Of course, happy to be here.” [a total and complete lie, #7]
“Did you get a chance to look at the ideas we have for the product launch.”
“I did and I think it’s good work.” [here would be LIE #8] … I thought the work was utter crap but it wasn’t really anybody’s fault. Customers turn every idea into crap, so I just assumed whoever worked on this had simply decided to make it crap from the very start, you know, eliminated the middle man.
“Is Brendan going to call in?”
“Oh no, he told me we should go ahead, he’s double-booked.” [this is a kind of premeditated lie, #9] … I never saw or spoke to fuckin’ Brendan today but I know that every meeting he’s in takes thirty-seven minutes longer than it needs to. I did everyone in the room a solid.

At meeting’s end, someone will surely ask about next steps and when they do I reply, “We’ll need three of four days.” [big fat lie, #10] … We could probably get it done in an hour but if we work that fast they’ll expect us to work at that rate all of the time. It’s best if coworkers believe the task to be rigorous and time-consuming.

“Should we circle back as a team, say, maybe Friday.”
“It’s OK with me but it will have to be remote because I’m ‘working from home’ that day.” [LIE #11] … The concept of “working from home” is one of the most-told lies in our society and I use it when I can. If you’re puttering around the house you can’t be working. When I was younger there was a different term for “working from home,” it was called a day off.

♦

How’d work go today pop?

Well, there’s no true way to answer that.

Photo credit: Stewart Black on Visualhunt / CC BY