If you’re like most people, you probably spend every waking minute thinking about Tom Brady. It’s only natural, in Elizabethan times people fixated on Shakespeare, during the Great Depression, Roosevelt was top of mind, in the 21st century it’s Brady.

The great questions of our time – questions about Tom Brady – well, I have the answers to them. In deducing these answers, like all great thinkers, I’ve relied mostly on logic, that slippery combination of common sense, the laws of probability, shrewd observation and human nature.

I provide these answers to you now so that you might get on with your lives, safe in the knowledge that you know as much about Tom Brady as Tom Brady does.

Question: Should Tom Brady retire?
Answer: Yes, he should have left with Gronk. By next year, the only two teams he’d be able to start for are Cincinnati and Washington. If he is allowed to throw with a “safe-space perimeter,” that is, no one within three feet of him on all sides, he can still throw … But don’t ask him to move or do any other thing a modern quarterback needs to do. His life is in danger.

Q: Will Tom Brady retire?
A: No. The sad truth is that everything we’ve been led to believe about Tommy all these years goes to hell in a handbasket if he even plays one more down. If he keeps playing it means that all along he was really a “me” guy and not a “team” guy. It means that his ego is the biggest part of his body. It means that he has no self-awareness and in spite of metrics that indicate he’s among the League’s worst, he’s not the kinda stand-up guy who we always thought would take responsibility.

Q: Won’t it be great if Tom plays for the Chargers?
A: It will suck … for Patriots fans, for Tom Brady admirers and, most of all, for the San Diego Chargers. Brady isn’t better than Rivers – sad but true. The Chargers have plenty of problems of their own, adding Tom Brady would be adding one more. Tommy’s a fool if he thinks he could survive for even one second outside of the Patriots ecosystem. No team in the NFL would be better with Tom Brady. He may help some club sell tickets for a week or two because everybody has a passing interest in seeing a freakshow … But really, if you want to sell tickets then hire Brady’s wife and make her play in a bikini.

Q: Don’t the Patriots owe Brady another contract?
A: No. If Tom Brady isn’t smart enough to know that he’s done, why should the Patriots have to pay the price? The entire Patriots dynasty is based on being realists, on being unsentimental pricks who are willing to unload players one year too early rather than paying the price for holding on to players one year too long. If we make an exception for Brady then we lose credibility and the leverage that comes with being a hardass.

Q: So how does this all end?
A: “Tommy, we’ve had some good years together, we appreciate what you’ve done for the Patriots organization. If you care at all about the Patriot Way, you need to listen to reason. You’re not the player you once were. It doesn’t do anyone any good for you to keep spewing this nonsense about playing for five more years. Listen, at the risk of damaging forever our “heartless” reputation, this is what we’ll do. If you will agree to absolutely positively call it quits after the 2020 season we will sign you to a one-year deal for twenty million dollars, and in addition to that, Mr. Kraft will sign you to a personal services contract for an undisclosed amount in gratitude for all the great times we’ve had. We will be drafting a young quarterback and probably sign a veteran as well. Should the wheels come completely off during the 2020 season, we will expect you to go to the bench without any drama. We like you Tommy, but don’t disrespect us by refusing this offer or by threatening to sign somewhere else. Take this offer and everybody wins and you will be a beloved figure for the rest of your life. Do the right thing Tommy!”