Yesterday marked the passing of sixty years since Buddy Holly and his rock & roll brothers perished on a desolate field in Iowa. In altogether less important news, the LA Rams laid down on a field of their own on Sunday a turn of events that would be tragic if not for the fact that, in the twenty-some-odd years since the Rams abandoned the city, most of LA had long ago found other football teams to follow.

In case you missed the game, I can tell you what happened.

  • The Patriots called heads and it came up tails
  • Sean McVay is a coin-toss genius
  • We played Never Surrender by Triumph … on vinyl
  • The first cigar we smoked were Cubans, Bolivar double coronas
  • The Patriots move the ball, looked like they would score
  • Brady throws an ugly pick
  • The Rams punt
  • Did you know that Sean McVay is the youngest coach in SuperBowl history? Fascinating!
  • Patriots drive, look to be the better team
  • Patriots call two timeouts within a two-minute span of the first quarter, what the fuck?
  • Patriots miss a field goal
  • Rams punt
  • We play Black Rose by Thin Lizzy
  • The Patriots waste another good drive; Brady gets sacked; the Rams get their hopes up
  • It’s the second quarter and the Rams punt … it’s what they do
  • McVay has seemingly blackballed Todd Gurley … maybe it’s because he’s the only known black man with the name Todd … but McVay’s still a genius
  • The Patriots get a field goal; Edelman is good
  • Goff is spending a lot of time on his back; the Rams punt
  • It’s halftime and it’s clear that the Rams’ best players are kickers
  • McVay is a genius … a very young genius
  • The halftime show is an embarrassment to Western civilization
  • We play Street Survivors by Skynyrd and then a great old record by The Guess Who
  • Never has there been a stronger argument for watching sports with the sound off than the annual dumpster fire they call the Superbowl Halftime Show; in all seriousness, the halftime entertainment is a barometer for how far we have slipped as a society
  • The Rams get the ball and … well … they punt
  • We smoke Davidoffs
  • At some point, the Rams punter gets off the longest punt in SuperBowl history – so awesome for Rams fans! … he has to be getting tired
  • The Patriots weren’t shy about punting either
  • The Rams got a field goal, the guy kicked it pretty far
  • The Rams coach is really smart, really sharp
  • The Rams QB got sacked without being touched
  • The third quarter ended and we were left no choice but to play Black Sabbath
  • Within a few minutes (using that Sabbath power that only I can harness), the Patriots scored
  • Tom Brady threw two perfect passes to Gronk that made the country genuflect
  • Tom Brady’s wife is attractive
  • Brandin Cooks dropped a touchdown pass
  • Goff threw a pick
  • Twenty-seven of the Rams’ sixty offensive plays netted zero or negative yards
  • The Pats gained chunks of yards on the ground when needed most
  • New England made an absolute mess of Los Angeles football in the 2019 playoffs
  • The Patriots made all of the big plays in the game … They win

For the Rams and the genius, the music died, in punt formation … bye-bye, Miss American Pie.

Photo credit: Seatacular on Visualhunt.com / CC BY-NC-SA