At one point I wrote the scripts for a series of TV ads. The ads were for a computer company and the general intent was to create a funny take on how the typical family of four would use the thing. I don’t really recall anything about the words I wrote but I assume they were witty and endearing and that the actors found them inspiring and that the director and crew considered them mesmerizing and refreshing.

What I do remember was spending four straight days at a rented mansion in Beverly Hills and something known as craft services. This was essentially my first and last time on a live film set so I have almost zero recall about the actual filming or my genius script, as my senses were overloaded with the logistics and the process and the Hollywood types and political intrigue and, well, craft services.

Every person on the set was consumed, not with capturing a magic moment on film, but with when they would break and what they would eat and whether there was chilled pomegranate juice.

“Craft services” are the people who control the snacks, and so I would learn, they control the hearts and minds of the people. The main purpose of craft services is to fill every physical void with something sweet or salty. If they see a gopher hole on the lawn, they fill it with peanut M&Ms. Every crystal goblet, every ashtray, every shirt pocket must contain a salty nut or a coated cereal or some other bite-sized calorie bomb.

On set, these snack receptacles are to be filled at all times. Heaven forbid some gaffer should have to take three consecutive steps without being able to grab a handful of Cheez-Its because everyone on the set needs to be able to maintain their strength between the four union-mandated mealtimes.

It’s hard to get the lighting just right or to remember your lines when the cast and crew are acting like beagles sitting outside the screen door waiting for a treat. Maybe I’m just easily fascinated, or distracted. At the end of the four days, I had eaten 9,000 Skittles, I learned the definition of union job and I found out that Hollywood is made of smoke & mirrors and salt & sugar.

♦

Snacks, of course, aren’t the same thing as appetizers. Close relatives but not the same. “Snacks” are by definition a combination of chips, nuts, candy, popcorn, store-bought cookies and basically anything else made by companies like Frito-Lay, Hostess, Nabisco and Dolly Madison. They are typically poured out onto a table or into a bowl or consumed straight from a container.

Appetizers are served hot. They are almost always tastier than the so-called meal that is served after them, but for some reason, you aren’t allowed to make a “meal” out of an appetizer because, well, society has a rule that you can’t only eat things that taste good. That’s why the “meal” was invented, to prevent people from being too happy by mandating that on every plate there are at least two items that might make you puke. So next to every steak and baked potato there has to be Brussel Sprouts and creamed broccoli.

This will all change when I open my new restaurant – Snickety-Snackety Shack (catchy, right?). The employees won’t ask stupid questions of diners like, “Can I get you started with something?” or “Let me get your drinks and I’ll come back and take your order,” or “Do you have any questions about the menu?” That’s because at Snickety-Snackety Shack, duh, there’s only snacks, they’re what you start and end with, and you don’t have to “order” because all the snacks – every fuckin’ one them – get brought to your table as soon as you walk in.

The tables are actually scales so in the end, you get charged by the ounce for what you eat. So you walk in, start watching the game and started eating all of the snacks they put in front of you. Natural as hell, like being at home. You can pick either a “snacking” or an “appetizer” table. At long last, your snacking and/or appetizering won’t be interrupted by a stupid meal.

Chips or peanut M&Ms or wings or nachos won’t spoil your dinner because they are dinner. In fact, this revolution will change the American eating lexicon … from breakfast, lunch & dinner to breakfast, lunch and snack.

Photo credit: Skley on Visualhunt / CC BY-NC-ND