How do they allow for personal milk-making at your place of employment? Where I work they have a room. It used to be called the “Lactation Room” (there was a sign), but now it’s called the “Mother’s Room” (there’s a new sign). I didn’t want to know what went on in there before and now I’m just confused. I wish there was a non-milk-producing room where I could go to figure it all out but, from what I can tell, only girls get their own special room.

The Mother’s Room (I walked by once and my mother wasn’t in there) has a whiteboard calendar outside of it and I guess that’s because there could be days that multiple people are feeling especially motherly and you don’t want there to be any overcrowding. This way they can sign-up in advance, reserve this special spot and plan in advance those major mother days.

I very rarely ever pass by this part of the building, but I do recall a time or two that, when it was a Lactation Room, I had to be in that area and I always prayed that the “sign-up” board was empty because, well, I’m not mature enough to know that next Wednesday Marsha in operations is planning on having full mammary glands. Anyway, apparently, this isn’t just all about filling baby bottles anymore, it’s about being modern and sensitive and accommodating and respectful of mothers. Since all men are pigs, they really need a place to call their own. Dilly-Dilly!

Still, I wish I knew a little more about the ground rules and the protocol of something called a Mother’s Room. Does it have to be one mother at a time? Can it be any kind of mother? Mothers-in-law, stepmothers, fairy godmothers? What about team moms? Is it a place where people practice being a mother? Like, do they look in the mirror and with a stern expression say things like, “Put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher” or “If you sit that close to the TV you’ll go blind”? How long can someone be in there and if for some reason a mother in the special room needs to come out and do the work they’re getting paid for, can they only be retrieved by another mother?

I suppose it’s still likely that the whole Mother’s Room thing has something to do with breast milk. People that know me know that I have long been a vocal advocate for breast comfort, yet I’m still hoping that a closed door to the Mother’s Room means something more, well, G-Rated. I’m picturing the mothers wearing aprons, knitting baby booties, working on a grocery list, maybe whipping up some Hamburger Helper (is there a stovetop in there?).

I’m gonna tell my mom that if she wakes up one day and, I don’t know, seems to be dwelling on being a mother, that we have a place for her to go. She can come to work with me and sit in this room (we can block off a day a week or two in advance if need be) until she gets it out of her system.

It’s kind of a big relief that we live in a modern society with progressive working environments that look out for mothers. I’m hoping that one day this kind of compassionate goodwill may result in a Father’s Room or maybe an Uncle’s Room. Ya, an Uncle’s Room, I mean where’s an uncle without any kids of his own supposed to go in the middle of a workday when he needs some quiet time? Someday.