In what probably won’t seem like much of a diversion from what is typically posted in this space, today I am introducing “Cranky Old Guy” as a guest columnist at They’re Just Words. You probably know “Cranky Old Guy” or someone like him, he may be your neighbor or coworker, he could live at your house. He can’t handle things that defy logic and he is ill-equipped to deal with most aspects of the modern world, so he tells kids to get the hell off his lawn and shakes his head a lot asking himself rhetorical questions. He’s not really looking for answers to those questions, he just likes to complain. I’m glad I’m nothing like him, but in many ways, I love this old fuckin’ guy.

Here are the questions that can never be answered that’s he’s asking himself today.

• Why do we pick our friends based on character, but we pick our Presidents based on their political party and the promises they make behind locked doors?
• If two people are arguing, yelling at each other, why will one person always say, “Why are you yelling?” and the other person will always yell back, “I’m not yelling!”?
• How come in tennis they use technology that can consistently, every single time, tell you if a ball hit at 150 MPH is “in” or “out” but in the NFL they can’t figure out whether a player has caught the ball or not?
• Why do they call the sand near the ocean the beach, but they call all other sand Arizona?
• Why, in our bathrooms, do we drink from little disposable paper cups, but at church everyone drinks from the same chrome cup?
• Why are there professional sports teams in Anaheim, California?
• Why in the grocery store can you seemingly sample grapes and maybe a cherry or two without any penalty but they frown upon cracking open a carton of milk, taking a swig and putting it back?
• Do you get a discount if you buy a dog without a tail or one with a curled-up tail that barely wags?
• Do we really need the designated hitter?
• Why is that if you drive a dune buggy, on any kind of road, at any time of day, in any season, you HAVE to wear a tank top?
• Why is it that, should you check in late for your flight and find that only middle seats are available, the middle seat you pick will have a 350-pound black woman in the window seat and on the aisle, a seventy-nine-year-old white guy who, as of about forty-one days ago, has decided to never bathe again?
• Why did Ace Hardware change their motto from Ace is the place with The Helpful Hardware Man to Ace is the place with the Helpful Hardware “Folks?” Was the man no longer helpful? What are folks?
• Why are the real saints all in heaven yet they continue to play their home games in New Orleans?
• If you’re watering the lawn and the hose springs a leak, a little pinprick, why does that tiny stream of water always hit you in the crotch?
• If you’re in the penalty box during a hockey game, can you have visitors?