Miracles happen every day, or so they tell me. On an optimistic day, I see them in nature and, someday, I hope to see them in my fellow man. But those aren’t Christmas miracles. Christmas miracles are the ones that, when you simply think something, it instantly comes true. So here goes … I wish …
- That half of the states in the union, the crappy ones like Arizona (and I get to pick), stay modern and have smartphones and lives that revolve around social media, and the other twenty-five states remain exactly the way the Indians found them thousands of years ago. The modern states and the Indian states will never know that the other kind of state exists.
- That every book I ever touched or will touch got instantly downloaded onto my brain’s hard drive.
- That it was discovered that Coors Light cured dementia and eliminated stomach fat.
- That when I got angry on the road and called the driver next to me a dumb ass, that it muted whatever was playing on that guy’s radio and instead played my voice over the radio saying dumb ass!
- That the sand on the beach was grass.
- That all the money we blew on the space program would have been used to discover something we all give a shit about.
- That is was 1971 and I was in New York City, at the Fillmore East watching the Allman Brothers Band.
- That first kisses only happened when we were old enough to appreciate them.
- That if your dog ever dies, at that exact moment, they revert back to when they were puppies and you get to do the whole thing over again.
- That the Big Rock Candy Mountain was in Laguna Niguel, California and that I worked there and that my only job duty was to keep dentists out.
- That every “no smoking” sign now said, “Please smoke cigars … And please blow the smoke right in my face, it reminds me of my grandpa.”
- That football season was twelve months long and that the only reviewable plays were ones involving cheerleaders.
- That I went to a pizza parlor and sitting together in a booth were Frank Sinatra, Duane Allman and George Harrison … They invited me over for a slice and a beer.
- That the only time it can ever rain is when we’re sleeping.
- That Santa would eat the cookies I leave for him this year and that if he would really prefer something else that he would just tell me.