Well, it’s almost March and I hope you still have a bag or two of candy hearts left and that you’re beginning to gather a surplus of jelly beans and other candy treats that only come around every Easter. You see, candy isn’t an occasional thing or an impulse purchase or some kind of fuckin’ reward for getting a C+ on your report card, it’s a way of life, a state of mind, a sweet-and-sour sugary religion. So you need to plan ahead and keep your head on a swivel for candy rarities and bulk purchasing opportunities. Whatever you do, eat some candy every day, be a kid for a minute or two, and remember that the sweet things in life don’t happen for the person who outgrows candy.

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