baseball – They're Just Words

Posted on August 2, 2018August 1, 2018 by Patrick

Making Sports Better

Ban the bottom-of-the-TV-screen sports ticker. Everyone has a smartphone, they can get scores anytime they want, they get alerts every minute about the teams and players they care about, so enough already with the endless scroll that clutters up every freakin’ sports broadcast. ESPN used to only show scores of other games twice an hour and that was okay but now it’s a non-stop distraction that simply disrupts the game for people with razor-thin attention spans like me. I also believe that the non-stop score/news ticker is an insidious communist mind game that can hypnotize some and convince others that world-altering news is going to scroll by at any second. The sports ticker is causing mental instability and the general breakdown of society.

Posted on February 24, 2018February 23, 2018 by Patrick

It’s Gonna Be OK … There’s Baseball

We should all praise the Lord for any athletic event or natural phenomenon that saves us from having to watch professional basketball. For two weeks we have been distracted by the Winter Olympics, with every American male living in absolute fear of encountering a room full of women watching figure skating – but it’s better than basketball, so praise the Lord!

Posted on October 25, 2017 by Patrick

A Gift From Your Grandpa

Baseball can be a little bit like church in that a lot of the meaning is in its rituals. That’s how most fans endure the 162-game season, why a team can be out of the pennant race in May and people will still show up—it’s the rituals, the smells, the sounds, the memories linked to Cracker Jack and the seventh-inning stretch. It feels like sitting on your grandpa’s lap. Everything’s gonna be alright. For nine innings you feel safe. When we’re small, there are some sports we sign-up for, but baseball is something you inherit.