Posted on by Patrick

Pressing All The Wrong Buttons

I typically don’t listen to the sound on the TV because I almost exclusively watch sports and dudes like Chris Collinsworth can inspire fits of rage and anger that can lead to health problems. But at one point in this particular game, I wanted to hear a rules explanation so I unmuted the TV. The audio was in Spanish. For the first few seconds, I thought maybe a Mexican dude had made a great play and they had switched to the Mexico City feed so we could all hear how the play sounded south of the border, but when the commercials were also in Spanish I knew there was a situation. So I did what we all do when there is a bilingual mixup or when we just need help finding answers to life’s big question – I stared at the remote.

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Posted on by Patrick

Cavity Search

The original Life Savers flavors: Pep-O-Mint, Wint-O-Green, Vi-O-Let, Choc-O-Late, Cin-O-Mon, Cl-O-ve, Lic-O-Rice.

-O- how clever. -O- how delicious. -O- brother! Life Savers are tasty. Wild Cherry’s good, wintergreen can hit the spot, Pep-O-Mint burns the inside of your mouth. They used to have a pack called Fancy Fruits – delish; there was a grapefruit-flavored one in there. I’ve eaten thousands and thousands of packs, always using my fingernail to push the next candy to the top of the pack, so that at pack’s end I’d have a perfectly hollow, intact package. That’s how the professionals do it.  

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Posted on by Patrick

It’s Unrealistic Season

Are you getting a new car for Christmas? Me neither, so you might want to stop watching television, especially NFL games because if you watch the commercials, you may think you’re getting a new luxury vehicle with a big red bow on it … and I don’t want you to get your hopes up. If you watch the TV ads closely, you’ll notice that these new cars are typically parked in front of just-built, upscale houses and come furnished with a hot new wife, and while I can’t comment on your spouse, I do know that you’re typically thirty days late on your mortgage and that your house is sixty years old and sits on the riverbed. Anyway, there’s lots of stuff you won’t be getting this holiday season.

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