I started working there in March and by Christmas time I pretty much had the lay of the land. I was trapped in a world of hipsters, well, this was 1993 so the hipster of today hadn’t been invented yet, but they were hipsters nonetheless, twentysomethings who worshipped at the altar of Steve Jobs, wore shirts made of recycled paper, had multiple tattoos with at least one of them depicting Mother Earth crying and ate anything labeled organic.
Today’s lesson concerns grocery shopping. It’s important to use certain strategies and mental approaches, and if you follow along, you can greatly reduce the chance of seeing anyone you know, increase the likelihood that normal, edible, high-in-sugar-and-salt items end up in your cart and guarantee that you emerge from the weekly ordeal with a measurable amount of testosterone still coursing through your veins.
A lot of you don’t know how to put your shoes and socks on. It’s sad really, alarming and sad. The time that was spent teaching children how to tie their shoes, it turns out, should have been spent on backing up a step and showing them how to actually install the socks and the shoes. Now it’s an epidemic with a huge swath of humans picking up shoes and picking up socks and just putting them on any old way – willy-nilly! Maybe a bit of explanation and a little song will help.