When I got to college they called me “undecided.” I wasn’t undecided. Undecided is vacillating between options, you can’t make up your mind – bacon, ham or sausage? It wasn’t that, I didn’t even know what the choices were, I was uninformed, unaware, unfocused. The world could call me undecided but I was unfazed, I mean, how much different could it be from high school? Turns out, not that different, especially if you never go to class and blow off most assignments.
When you order ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, the cute girl with a little bit of acne grabs a scooper from the water-filled trough that holds the other scoopers and she flips open the hinged glass door that provides access to the thirty-one large tubs of ice cream that have names on a paper tag like Miami Ice and Chocolate Fulfill-Mint. These three-gallon tubs are made of cheap cardboard so that they’re easier to lift but they freeze solid and provide decent insulation, and with a little practice an ice cream employee can perfect the technique and soon be rolling out tennis-ball-sized ice cream spheres in all flavors.
If you have to fire someone at a small company, the process is pretty straightforward, informal, just point and shoot. It goes something like, “Hey man, I’m gonna have to let you go. I’m giving your job to my girlfriend’s son, he’s kind of a dumbass, but I’ll get more sex this way. Sorry. But it works out kinda good because you’re not eligible for paid vacation until your 366th consecutive day on the job and you’ve worked here 364 days, so no vacation check, sorry. It’s not personal, oh ya, today’s your last day, I mean right now’s your last day. We would have taken you to a last-day lunch but the guy replacing you will be here in fifteen minutes. I feel bad, here’s twenty bucks, go get Bunch-A-Lunch at Shakey’s. Good luck bro.”
Firing people works differently at a big company, it’s more awkward (If you can believe that) and complicated.