If you were stranded on an uncharted desert island, hopefully with Mary Ann, not Gilligan, you’d be stoked to be left with only this playlist. Yep, the Professor could make you an iPod from a coconut shell and you could listen to epic tunes day in, day out until you were rescued by a pirate galleon. Even with a scraggly beard and an insect diet you’d have a melody in your head and a song in your heart.
Well, it’s almost March and I hope you still have a bag or two of candy hearts left and that you’re beginning to gather a surplus of jelly beans and other candy treats that only come around every Easter. You see, candy isn’t an occasional thing or an impulse purchase or some kind of fuckin’ reward for getting a C+ on your report card, it’s a way of life, a state of mind, a sweet-and-sour sugary religion. So you need to plan ahead and keep your head on a swivel for candy rarities and bulk purchasing opportunities. Whatever you do, eat some candy every day, be a kid for a minute or two, and remember that the sweet things in life don’t happen for the person who outgrows candy.
We should all praise the Lord for any athletic event or natural phenomenon that saves us from having to watch professional basketball. For two weeks we have been distracted by the Winter Olympics, with every American male living in absolute fear of encountering a room full of women watching figure skating – but it’s better than basketball, so praise the Lord!