Posted on by Patrick

The Seven Dwarfs Got Married.

Once the dwarfs started to see a little cash from the 1937 movie they made, and after it became clear that none of them would score Snow White, the first thing they wanted to do was find wives. After all, even though the movie makeup gave them a youthful, some say adolescent appearance, these short miners were getting old. Even Dopey was in his thirties. They knew the deck was stacked against them. The typical, reasonably-sustainable job for a dwarf in those days in the faraway hill country where they lived was mining, and as such, there were thousands of the little dudes in the vicinity. Conversely, only a handful of small chicks wanted to be around the dirty human moles. Now that they had some extra dough in their tiny pockets they all figured they’d be players – figuratively speaking, big fish in a dwarfed-sized pond.

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Posted on by Patrick

The “Not-Much-Fun” Activity Guide.

Lots of people are under house arrest and when you were at work, well, you knew what to do with idle time, but now what? You can’t have fun because yer supposed to be at work. And you can’t just do more of what you did before Corvid or what you did on weekends – things like drinking, smoking, listening to loud rock music and using profanity. Some of you probably dig video games or golfing every day or watching SportsCenter for hours or maybe cruising the Worldwide Interweb for inappropriate purposes. But now you can’t do any of those things because: A) you’re supposed to be at work, remember? B) you may want to stay married (why is beyond me) and in a good marriage happiness is only doled out in small doses and C) all that fun stuff takes dough, and the only thing that sucks more than being bored is being broke and bored.

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Posted on by Patrick

Name Calling.

I got hired to come up with a new name for the NFL team that plays in Washington DC. I think they made a smart choice. You may recall that this team, for a long time, was called the Redskins. Leave it to a town of politicians to think a derogatory term for another race was a good choice for the mascot of the Capital’s signature franchise. Anywho, they asked me to help them out. They gave me a few vague guidelines: 1) stay away from names that might offend our fellow human beings or that may portray certain groups in an unflattering light, like the Fighting Irish; 2) we don’t want the same old names that everybody uses, there are too many Wildcats and Bulldogs; 3) a connection to our city and its unique story would be cool, but don’t give us any reference to DC teams of the past (thank God, DC has had a bunch of lame ones, Wizards, Senators, Capitals, Nationals, Spirit … barf).

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