One of the most deliciously-awkward phenomena in the American workplace is the I’m-quitting email, sometimes known as the Farewell email or the This-isn’t-goodbye email. I seem to get one about once a week and though they are usually broadcast to the whole company, hundreds of people, I pretty much view them as words directly aimed at me … which is odd given the fact that I rarely know any of these people and, in some cases, have never physically seen them or spoken to them.

My like-minded coworkers and I enjoy these messages very much because they often contain stories and anecdotes and personal tidbits that seem more appropriate for family members than people you work with. The I’m quitting email is sometimes very long, “My second day on the job, a food truck came and I had two tacos and a bottle of Yoohoo,” and often quite emotional, “You people have given me so many beautiful gifts that I will take with me on my journey” … I mean, you could be driven to tears, well, that is, if you actually knew any of these people.

In every one of them, the quitter claims to have mixed emotions and they want you to know that had it not been for this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity they would never have even dreamt of leaving … in other words, it’s not you, coworkers, it’s me. That always comforts me. Lots of times they say that words can’t express how grateful they are for having the chance to work with me (and the other employees, I guess). Touching, right? I’ve never even had a friend who spoke so kindly to me.

I think there must be a website or an app or a Writing Quitter Emails For Dummies book out there because all these types of emails I get – and I archive them – start thusly: “Well, this isn’t goodbye …”

… Well, ya, it actually is goodbye. It’s exactly goodbye, I mean this is the only reason you wrote the fuckin’ email … I got another job and I wanted to say goodbye. I suppose the concept here is that “goodbye” is so final and we will surely see each other again, right? No. Of course not, we’re not really friends we just work at the same place. Maybe some of these quitters don’t get that the I’m-quitting email is just a series of politically-correct lies to fit conveniently into our politically-correct society – and I can prove it.

All the emails say that they want to “keep in touch” and they provide everything short of their address for that purpose. One Saturday not too long ago I tested out one of these invitations and I called this lady that was a recent quitter, you know, on a whim.

“Hey, this Pat.”
“No Pat Macke.”
“We used to work together at Acme.”
“What do I want? Well, you said you wanted to ‘keep in touch’ and so I just called to say what’s up.”
“No, it isn’t creepy! Why’d you give me your house phone, your cell phone and your parent’s phone number if you didn’t want me to ‘stay in touch’?”

That call ended kind of badly but when it’s time to move on from a job it doesn’t have to end that way. Don’t send a This-isn’t-goodbye email, just go up to the few bros you actually know and your boss and tell the lies right to their face, you know like, “Hey man you’re the best boss I ever had and we had some good times and I’ll stay in touch…”

That way you won’t look like a pansy and there won’t be any physical evidence of you complying with lame social norms.

I’ll miss you, man.

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