I always wondered how the Hallmark Channel could present TV shows that are so unrealistic. I mean, I get fantasy and escapism and wanting to disconnect from the world and lose yourself in a television love story. Still, doesn’t there have to be just a speck of believability? Real people and real lives and real love just don’t look or sound like that.

But then recently it all suddenly made sense. I had the need to purchase a card, a greeting card, a card to convey a sentiment around a special occasion. I picked up a card, then a second and third and every one had the same sappy words … totally unrealistic, people don’t talk like this I sez, and then it hit me – fuckin’ Hallmark! The same people that finance butterflies and rainbows on the Hallmark Channel have been writing the silly, contrived, out-of-touch-with-the-real-world greeting cards for the last century.

And then I remembered another important thing: the Hallmark Channel doesn’t care about me. The Hallmark Card people don’t make cards for me. They make TV programming and cardboard greetings for women or for men with girlish sensibilities (and there’s nothing wrong with that). Everything they do is designed to be puppy cute or tear-jerkingly emotional.

So if you’re a man, with even a drop of testosterone or pride, and you’re standing in the card aisle, well, you’re fucked. Hike-up your skirt pick the first card you see and head for the check-out stand.

No matter what the occasion, regardless of who the giver or getter is, every card is written in a woman’s voice because Hallmark makes cards the same way they make made-for-TV movies – with both hands touching their feminine side.

I’ll show you.

“You’re the kind of woman who’s as good-hearted as you are gorgeous. A woman who’s smart and funny and can totally hold her own.”

These are the beginning words on a real card. I don’t know what they mean, but I know a man would never say them.

Here’s another, real words from a real card, “If you only knew how often I think about what a lucky guy I am to have you for my wife, you would probably be amazed. I know I don’t say it all that much … and I probably won’t ever win a prize for being the most romantic man on earth.”

What the hell! Those words were on the front of the card and on the inside the total emasculation continued. I was embarrassed just to be standing there, to have touched the card with my own hands. I was embarrassed for Hallmark and I felt bad for the other men who might be awkwardly standing in a CVS and just trying to find a few simple words to convey that he was thinking about his wife.

Try this one, “My heart was right. How glad I am to be yours. How lucky I am to live each day in the wonderful warmth of your love.” Really? Sounds like a dude on suicide watch. Bad poetry written by women for women.

“Hope you know you’re the only one I want to share my world with. ALWAYS WILL BE.” These are real words on a real card. It seems like you’d want to “share your world” with a few others, maybe your friends and kids and parents. Maybe men tend to be too practical.

Time for one more, “I still remember how beautiful you looked walking down the aisle toward me and what I was thinking as I watched you. I was thinking, here comes my favorite person in the world. I still think that every time I see you walking my way.”

I know a lot of dudes who got married and, even if she was totally hot as most brides are, what they were thinking about at the “moment of impact” doesn’t tend to line up with this description.

♦

The entire point of this Hallmark Moment is that men would just never say the words on these cards. It’s inconceivable. It’s not how men communicate. Their feelings about love and women and wives aren’t typically poetic or syrupy or this fuckin’ serious. I don’t doubt that men think these kinds of romantic platitudes, but they will rarely come out of his mouth and he would mostly feel like a dumbass if he had to hand a card to his wife with this kind of hokey crap on it.

On the occasion of their anniversary, for example, men aren’t looking for some fuckin’ sonnet or words that rhyme with “darling,” just a simple, fun mechanism to communicate a simple feeling without the total loss of dignity.

Ultimately I was forced to write some cards for myself. I know a lot of important people at big companies are monitoring this blog and so I’m reconciled to the fact that these card ideas will be stolen and turned into big profits for the card people.

Oh well. Here are some samples.

Front: “Most days I think you’re neat.”
Inside: “We’ll see about today, but it’s our anniversary, so I’m optimistic.”

Front: “I can’t tell you how fond I am of you.”
Inside: “And if you just paid attention, I wouldn’t have to.”

Front: “So many great times together.”
Inside: “It would be cool if you remembered more of them.”

Front: “I often ponder why you do so much for me.”
Inside: “Oh ya, it’s because you want to boss me around.”

Front: “A good marriage is like a partnership.”
Inside: “I do all the work, you take all the credit.”

Front: “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Inside: “Been married so long I’ve lost the capacity for independent thought.”

Front: “Our storybook romance will never die.”
Inside: “Mostly because it only lives in your imagination.”

Love you … mean it.

 

Photo credit: brinda05 on Best Running / CC BY