I’m sorry, but I have a problem with any group of people who, in sharing an occupation, feel the need to get in a room with the sole purpose of telling each other how great they are. It happens in almost every industry, but showbiz people seem especially self-absorbed. Self-righteousness is a disease we should all be trying to eradicate and contrary to what some may have you to believe, virtually no one thinks making films is some sort of holy calling and none of us are waiting for some fuckin’ actor or actress to be the catalyst for world peace.

The Academy Awards are politically-correct crap orchestrated by holier-than-thou millionaires who believe their every waking thought is a profound insight put there by Plato. Bullshit. Most of life’s cheesy awards are way more meaningful … For example …

  1. T-Ball Participation Trophies are more meaningful than an Oscar because even though little Tommie refused to run to first base after hitting the middle of the tee, the trophy will always remind him of juice boxes and little bags of chips and Teddy Grahams – wonderful things to a little bastard who has no interest in sports.
  2. “I Was A Rock Star At Woodstock Elementary” was what it said on the certificate you won for being the student of the month. More meaningful than an Oscar even if every student got the award once a year on a rotating basis. Everybody gets to be the student of the month because society doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, while the Oscars exist primarily to tell actors that their feelings are the only ones that matter.
  3. The International Chocolate Awards happen every year in Europe to recognize the biggest studs in chocolate making and that’s pretty dumb, especially since peanut M&Ms win every year. At least the results are delicious. They’re making a bigger commitment to diversity too and now at least one winner each season needs to be a “white” chocolate.
  4. Fantasy Football Champion is a trophy you get for accruing make-believe points in a totally fake sport. An Oscar is a trophy of make-believe importance won by totally fake people.
  5. Course Completion Certificate, you get one after you take the sexual harassment training at work. The certificate means that you are aware of what generally constitutes harassment and that you will try to refrain from it. Conversely, having an Oscar means that you’ve already been thoroughly trained in sexual harassment.
  6. The Merlin Award is given each year by the International Magicians Society to the most magical magic guys. Pulling a rabbit out of a hat, now that’s f’n acting! Pick a card any card. Hey look, that guy’s pulling colored hankies out of his nose. We should spend more time celebrating guys who can saw each other in half … Maybe they can make the Oscars disappear?
  7. Perfect Attendance Award … so you don’t actually have to do shit, just show up every day. There’s accomplishment in consistency and you can feel good about stickin’ to it when the others were feigning illness. In the movie business, it’s the complete opposite. Attendance doesn’t mean jack. No one ever sees these Oscar movies. The Academy believes the movie-going public is too stupid to see the true artistic merit in these movies, that’s why they have to gather every year, to kiss each other’s ass and recognize the films that tanked at the box office but were so fuckin’ poignant and life-changing.
  8. “I Ate 10 Really Hot Chicken Wings” T-shirt … Winning such a prize is much more meaningful than an Academy Award, because you forget almost every Oscar winner the day after it happens, whereas with the consumption of 10 nuclear wings the burning sensation lasts for weeks.

I want to thank the Academy for making this post possible.