It’s true, she doesn’t look that dangerous, but she’s actually a rodent assassin. Rats, mice, bunnies … hates ’em, and who doesn’t? Doesn’t like lizards, is offended by squirrels and she’ll kill geese if given the chance. She’s hardwired to be on the lookout for vermin and then to give them the business until they stop moving. Still, most of the time she’s just sleeping in my truck.

She’s actually not from Labrador, rather pups of her type are from Newfoundland. They were originally called the St. John’s water dog (a Newfoundland breed that dates back to the 16th century) and the first ones were brought to England in or around 1820. The first dogs were black, some with white markings and because the modern human needs things in color choices, various other coat colors came later. Like the fine specimen in the photo, the early dogs were no bigger than a Pointer, very fine in legs with short, smooth hair. Their coat type was preferred in Newfoundland because it didn’t become encumbered with ice coming in and out of the water. These Labradors were known to be extremely quick while running, swimming or fighting.

Labradors are generally considered the most popular breed in the world, probably because people have mice that need killin’. In England and America, there are over twice as many Labradors registered as any other breed.

And I know other things about these dogs …

Just like uglier breeds these dogs have bad breath, the result of eating stuff off the ground, carrying around mice in their mouths and licking their crotch all day.

Labradors can identify the witches and warlocks and wizards among us and when you pass one on the street you will know because the dogs will make a low guttural sound and will start to slowly back up as if a man were approaching with a handgun.

The dogs don’t need or want other “dog friends” so be on the lookout for strangers asking, “Can my dog say hi?” I usually say something like, “No, he can’t say hi to my dog, but there’s a bunch of little freaky dogs around the corner that would probably be thrilled to converse with your chatty pet.” (Just a suggestion.)

They are suspicious of men wearing hats and packs of women speaking with Eastern European accents. These dogs have good instincts, so when they have a “bad feeling” about some person or situation, take their word for it.

They tend to want to be wet all of the time, like the little fat kid in summer who never wants to get out of the pool. They are genetically predisposed to getting out of the water, running to your side and shaking right next to you, especially if you’re in a pretty dress or a business suit.

They’re good friends and they look cute with little rodent tails hanging out of their mouths.