I made 6,120 school lunches. That’s a real number, adjusted for inflation and school holidays. It wasn’t hard, there’s a basic winning formula. School can stress the little bastards out so I always figured, if nothing else, my kids should be able to look into their lunch sacks and find something that would put a smile on their face and help them momentarily forget about that bitch of a principal Misses Fartknocker. School-aged kids used to be able to count on two things: recess and lunch, well, not so much anymore.

The people in charge have decided that the reason why everyone’s a fatass is because of the content of the school lunch. Nevermind the fact that it’s just one meal and there are only 180 school days a year. Society is fat for a lot of reasons and it’s not the peanut butter and jelly sandwich’s fault. But the government said it was and they invented something called the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act. It’s politically-correct bullshit (not the hunger-free part, the healthy part). The act stipulates that school lunches must now be lower in fat, calories and sodium and contain lean proteins, more fruits and vegetables and whole grains. In other words, turn the school lunch into something no kid would ever eat.

It’s a form of lunchtime torture and you know what’s happening? A revolt. From 2012 to 2013, 1.2 million fewer kids ate the school lunch. One study said that sixty percent of fresh vegetables and forty percent of fresh fruit are being thrown away.  Another study indicates that food waste may amount to almost $5 million a day across all 31.6 million national school lunch eaters and statistics show that America squanders $1.2 billion via the school lunch program annually. They should change the program’s name: The Throw My Lunch Away Before I Heave Act.

Here are a couple examples of what they want the defenseless boys and girls to eat:
Barf Lunch #1
-1 cup bow-tie pasta salad with veggies
-1 cup baby greens salad with 2 tablespoons low-fat dressing
-3/4 cup watermelon
-2 fig cookies

Barf Lunch #2
-Fish-shaped tuna sandwich with lettuce on whole wheat bread
-10 baby carrots with 2 tablespoons low-fat ranch dip
-Small plum
-1/4 cup whole-grain Goldfish crackers

♦

Give the little kid his fuckin’ lunch back! Let him have a peanut butter sandwich or a piece of pizza and get off his back.

In America, as set forth by the Constitution, the school lunch has four parts: the sandwich group, the chip group, the cookie group and the fruit group. The sandwich group is mostly represented by peanut butter or bologna and cheese sandwiches, but give the little dude whatever he wants and substitute pizza, chicken nuggets and mac n cheese at will. Remember, he’s gonna eat it as fast as humanly possible so he can go kick a ball around and pull some little girl’s hair.

The chip group is key. You know what the Founding Fathers did after writing the Declaration of Independence? They had lunch and they traded stuff from their lunch sacks. Give the kids chips or crackers they like and give them something that will have high trade value.

If a little kid can’t have a cookie or something sweet in his lunch bag or on his plastic cafeteria tray than how do you expect him to have any hope? It doesn’t have to be a cookie, it could be a fruit snack or pudding or a Pop Tart or whatever. Just make sure it has the potential to create a cavity. You want him to be happy, right?

Finally, the reason why fruits end up in the trash or thrown at that smelly Frank McMillan is because bananas, apples and oranges don’t move the needle. Grapes or summer fruits are better, try applesauce or berries. If they eat a couple of bites, you win.

Don’t make junior count calories in the third grade. Save mealtime torture for dinner the dinner table. Remember, they’re only little once and on most days, lunch is all a kid’s got.