Every time I leave Corvallis I’m always kinda bummed, for myriad reasons probably, but mostly because, well, I  never see any beavers. I have a solution for that, for helping the Oregon State community be more beaver. The beaver is a darn fine mascot – underrated on many fronts – and it’s about time he transitions from his two-dimensional depiction on t-shirts and koozies to a role more in keeping with a rodent of his stature.

Why do rams and goats and dogs and buffalos and pigs and roosters and mules and owls and eagles and horses and falcons get to trample or fly over the field every Saturday and the beaver doesn’t? It seems like an injustice, like animal kingdom discrimination, or worse, some kind of social commentary, like if you have big teeth and a scaly tail you’re not cool enough to go on the field. Anyway, I figure that after all these years some person or committee has pretty much decided that we’re never gonna see beavers sprinting out of the tunnel, which is why my idea isn’t about beavers walking on the field, it’s about beavers living at the stadium.

I call it the Benevolent Beaver Ecosystem & Lodge (sound like a nice hotel, huh?) and it’s a year-round home for the Oregon State Beavers – the real ones. It’s five-stories tall and it bolts onto the corner of Reser Stadium. It’s like a high-rise zoo, but only for beavers and it will use bitchin’ technology to provide a cutaway view of the beaver’s world from the bottom of the pond to the clouds in the sky. It will have a retractable roof, sophisticated ventilation and water purification systems, multimedia effects and dozens of in-habitat, remote-controlled video and still-image cameras. The ecosystem will feature 360-degree viewability from top to bottom and fans and friends will be able to commune with their beavers both inside and outside the stadium. On game day, you won’t need an audio track of a chainsaw anymore because when you want the crowd to get to work, you can just switch over to the Lodge video feed and project live images of the real woodworkers. There will be beaver races, holding-your-breath contests and lots of other activities that will be fun for fans while giving the beavers the chance to express themselves. Some of the beavers will be wearing GoPros, so fans will never miss out on any of the gnawing action.

Of course, the beavers will be able to choose for themselves if they want to live at the Lodge or not, as we’ll be combing the ponds of Oregon recruiting volunteers … Okay, who wants free bark? The beavers in residence will be able to come and go as they please through a secret hatch, and we’ll probably provide a shuttle service from the Lodge to ponds within a certain distance. We anticipate that there will be a waiting list, so beavers will be cycled in and out at ninety-day intervals so that every beaver who wants to participate will have the opportunity.

I think this idea is a win-win, long overdue credit to the beaver for being the badass mascot he is and a way for everybody else to be more beaver.

Beaver Fun Facts
From Fur, Fortune and Empire by Eric Jay Dolan

• At the time of European settlement on this continent, there was between 60 and 200 million beaver.
• The beaver was the most sought-after commodity in the fur trade for over 200 years.
• At one point in North America, the beaver lived virtually everywhere – from the Arctic tundra to northern Mexico.
• Beaver fur contains from between 12,000 and 23,000 hairs per square centimeter.