I believe we should judge the people, places and things around us at every turn. Life is funner if you judge everything, if you rank and categorize and assemble top ten lists at the drop of a hat. Who knows, maybe a fairly serious fight will break out? I’m not talking about good-person, bad-person judgment; not heaven or hell judgment, that’s above my pay grade. I’m talking about totally superficial, spur-of-the-moment, painting-people-with-a-broad-brush judgment. In this nation we need to stop making assumptions about people based on race, creed and color and start speculating on what people are like based solely on the type of car they drive.

You can tell a lot about a person by what they drive and we should all be using this practical evidence to make sweeping generalizations about each other. Life is really just a series of snap judgments. Lots of times – every day -we need to make quick decisions based on a very limited data set. These judgments aren’t personal. I’m just talking about making judgments so that we can all do what’s best, smartest, safest in one particular moment. So everyone around us on the roads and freeways is at the controls of a weapon and we have to make judgments, decisions about the likelihood of them using that weapon against us. And the only real basis for making an intelligent decision (a judgment) in this instant is the type of car they drive (and maybe a license plate frame, a bumper sticker or the general state of maintenance/cleanliness).

So let’s practice. You pull up to a light, right behind an electric vehicle. What can be deduced? Well, the guy is willing to face public humiliation to be green. He thinks animals are more important than people, but still, he’s of a reasoned mind and probably not too big of a road threat. Next to him is a Hummer. Think road rage. The guy wants to be a rebel. The driver is willing to get .05 miles per gallon so that you’ll know he’s a tough guy. Give him a wide berth.

Let’s talk about the BMW. I heard a commercial that said the newer models allow you to “start and move the vehicle while standing outside of it.” That means, for the first time, you can buy a vehicle that will enable you to run yourself over! What kind of person would pay extra for that capability? Well, I’ll tell you. The BMW owner will pay extra for everything, he’ll pay more just to have his vehicle serviced by a mechanic wearing a coordinated blue jumpsuit. At the carwash, he’ll leave a twenty-dollar bill in the cupholder just so the immigrant washing it will know that he has extra twenties that have been earmarked to be stolen at the carwash. He’s essentially an elitist and he wants you to know – very, very badly – about his status. So now that we all know this we also know that he’ll merge into your lane anytime he wants to because his bank statement says he can. Helpful, right?

What else can we learn on the road? Blowin’ through the intersection going the other way is something called a Scion. The color is not one of the sixty-four in your crayon box. The judgment? This person has problems making good choices. Expect the poor decision-making to continue … Talking on the phone while driving, making a right turn from the left lane (“Damn, I almost missed my exit!”), going 65 mph in a school zone – all of these actions are more than a little plausible given that driver bought a car that is completely square, modeled after a shoe box. I always get these cars confused with the ones the hamsters drive.

What should you make of a Porsche SUV? Well, I would be shocked not at all if the driver cuts me off and takes the parking spot I was lining up for. Why? Because since I have a Porsche SUV: “I deserved that spot.” Did you know there’s still Mazdas around? They have a rotary engine, but so does my Norelco shaver and who wants to ride around in something designed to trim whiskers? The rotary phone was a clunky idea 50 years ago so there’s no way it can be something you want under your hood today. Ozzie Nelson belonged to the Rotary Club and who wants to be in a car club with a guy named Ozzie? Saturns, Acuras, Hyundais, Infinitis, Suzukis, Isuzus, I’m sorry, but these all show poor decision-making skills and so we should all be very wary of these drivers out on the road. I have to assume that people are buying these obscure cars because they’re cheap. If you need a cheap car, stick to the basics; Toyota, Nissan and Honda provide plenty of economical choices, and I’m suspicious of people who pick the mystery brand just because it fits the budget. If they’re willing to take low-percentage chances when they buy a car, what kind of knuckleheaded risks will they take on the road?

Mitsubishis are TVs, right? Would you hire a TV repairman to fix your car? I wouldn’t. Do you think the skillset and knowledge required to make a TV is the same skillset and knowledge you need to make a car? I don’t. What are you gonna buy next, a Panasonic sedan? A Black & Decker pickup? When I see a fellow driver in a Mitsubishi it dawns on me, Hey, this dude might not know the difference between a TV and a car, and I view that driver as posing imminent danger to my person and my vehicle.

If you buy a Smart car you can fold it up and put it in your pocket when you reach your destination. Sounds dumb, but maybe it’s Smart? No, it’s dumb. Here’s what we know, the moment we see him, about the guy that drives a Smart car: he’s perfectly willing to cram his body into an impossibly tiny space (and this signals mental defect), he’s oblivious to the universal ridicule happening all around him (he’s delusional), he has no money for gas and he collects plastic bottles and cans and calls that his profession (if stopped together at a light, he’ll ask you for money). All of this makes it reasonable for you to conclude that, on the road, this is a person to pity and avoid.

We all know that people very often make a vehicle purchase to project a certain image, to exude a certain status and to be associated with a certain tribe. This, in fact, means that they want to be judged, need to be judged – and that’s why I’m here. As a final example, I give you the Range Rover. The Range Rover is the way a millionaire signals she is active and outdoorsy. Of course, she never roves and wouldn’t be caught dead out on the range, she mostly just drives it to tony markets like Bristol Farms. She did go “camping” once and she had it catered. Yep, she dropped the kids off in the Range Rover and then the servants followed along in a separate vehicle and set-up a catered affair with finger foods and linens, etc. and the Range Rover and all the kids were back at the mansion by nine o’clock. The main thing you should take away from these obvious observations is that Range Rover gal will use her vanity mirror more than she’ll use her blinker and that she’ll be willing to use her new Range Rover as a bumper car because she has more of them at home.

The road is jammed with revealing little clues about the human condition, but who am I to judge?