Cigar Salutations From The Old Glory Society*
As a cigar smoker, if you need to inquire about the availability of fire, you’re woefully unprepared my friend. Smoking a cigar isn’t a game of chance. You don’t buy cigars at the local 7-Eleven on impulse and you don’t catch one on fire with whatever’s on hand, like one of those long-tipped, pull-the-trigger things you light a barbecue with. If things go right, you’re going to have that cigar in your mouth for about an hour, so let’s have a little respect, huh?
I’ve lit 14,040 cigars. I’ll light the 14,041st tonight. I’ve owned 797 torch lighters. After you refill it with butane one and a half times (if you can get it refilled at all) it will stop working, that’s why cigar sellers give them away for free when you buy a box of cigars. Now I can hear the wiseguys out there saying, “Ya, that’s because you’ve never had a really good torch lighter,” and to them, I say, If you can afford to spend $800 on a lighter, how come the cigar you’re smoking has a fuckin’ plastic tip? No, the torch lighter is mostly the domain of the pyromaniac, the guy that when you were growing up caught moths and lit them on fire. It’s not for me.
If you buy cigars at the liquor store, you may have bought a Bic lighter to go with it … What the hell, it’s only ninety-nine cents, let’s have a real celebration here! A Bic lighter will take six tries before it actually emits a flame and your little digit will be raw after the third try. To keep the flame going you’ll need to hold down that little paddle that allows the fuel to escape, and by the time the cigar is one-third lit, the metal part of the lighter where the flame comes out will be 456 degrees. Continuing to hold the lighter is like the dare they make you take when you pledge a fraternity. The only practical use for a disposable lighter is if you’re a criminal on the run and you’re using the lighter as a means of deforming your fingertips so that the authorities can’t get a recognizable fingerprint. It’s not for me.
If you have a book of matches in your pocket, it probably means the jeans you’re wearing haven’t been washed since the seventies. There are two ways to get fire from a book of matches. The first involves putting your index finger on the red sulfur part and then forcefully dragging it across the coarse lighting surface. It usually takes half the book, meticulously tearing off the matches one by one, before you get a flame, and when you do, you’re surprised and the sulfur sticks to your index finger and usually burns through all three skin layers before you smell something burning and realize it’s you. The second option, invented by cigarette smokers and stoners, is to place the match on the striking area and then fold the matchbook cover over the match so that you can’t see it and then quickly pulling the end of the match and pray for a spark. This method also requires multiple attempts and most often ends with the entire matchbook catching fire and you urgently tossing the flaming object from the window of your Trans Am and then dousing it with half a bottle of Lowenbrau (crap, I just opened that beer!) That’s not for me.
When push comes to shove there are really only two reliable ways to light a cigar, a wooden match and the Zippo. The picture that accompanies these words is, of course, a picture of my squirrel match striker, he holds my matches and then, at his feet, he provides a convenient “striking” ramp. Now I know that most of you will shun the striking squirrel because you think that lighting a match is an invitation to some sort of match-lighting Olympics, and you’ll want to try lighting one on your zipper or off your gold tooth or with your fingernail. I say knock yourself out, but don’t come crying to me if the fire ends up on your tongue or in your pants. The elite contingent of the cigar smoking community still contends that the superior way to light a cigar is to light a wooden match and then use it to ignite a sliver of Spanish cedar with which you then light the cigar. It may be something you try once to get it out of your system, but who walks around with a pocketful of cedar and how can you tell what language it speaks?
That brings us to the Zippo. I know I’m in the minority here and that the cigar-smoking aristocracy looks down upon the Zippo. They say that lighting a cigar with a device using lighter fluid imparts the fluid into the cigar and ruins the taste. Bullshit. Lighting a cigar is all about practicality and style and to have both I’m willing to drink a little lighter fluid. The Zippo is super reliable, easy to refill and repair and is even dependable in windy, outdoor conditions. It’s a statement of personal expression, an art form that sparks conversation. I don’t think any of us need to play with fire, we just need a controlled burn at the right time. I suggest a cool Zippo of your own choosing. I have a cool leather “holster” for mine that fits on my belt, and I’ve found that people appreciate the extra effort.
The lighting of a cigar is an ancient ritual that is the passageway to one of life’s enduring, simple pleasures. I hope you enjoy your smoke.