For some, watching the Big Game can be tedious, and while our group was enjoying the Super Bowl just fine, you can always use a little more action. And we almost got it, except that CBS and pretty much all the other big networks are hypocritical boobs. I say we all write cards and letters and Twitters and blog posts demanding that CBS give us back our fuckin’ streakers!

It all started sometime in the fourth quarter of Sunday’s football tilt between the Chiefs and the Buccaneers, when someone pointed out, “Hey, there goes a streaker!” Well, I didn’t see him and I bet hardly anyone else did either. That’s because the only thing that is absolutely banned from being shown on TV are the nuts running onto the field at a live sporting event. The official view of such shenanigans, adopted a few years back, is something like, “These whacked-out looney bastards just want attention, and if you give ’em camera time during a game then you’re just encouraging ’em and the next thing you know you’ll have these motherfuckers jumping the walls and skippin’ across the field at every damn game! Nope, we will never put these druggies on TV.”

We tend to call these guys streakers, although they almost always have on some sort of garment. In this case, on Super Bowl Sunday, the guy virtually running rogue was a white dude who had on a pair of shorts and a pink bikini top. If you were listening to the game on the radio you would have heard a delightfully-entertaining play-by-play of the streaker’s antics as he ran around and eluded stadium security for about ninety seconds. But no one listens to the Super Bowl on the radio, so it sounds to me like nobody heard or saw the best play of Super Bowl LV.

Here’s the rub, your local CBS affiliate will show a freeway car chase for hours on end, even forgoing commercials, and they are praying, literally praying for that chase to end in a fiery crash or a police-involved shootout. So it’s perfectly okay to show criminal car chases on live TV, but we can’t show a drunk fan stumbling across a grass field? We’re good with encouraging carjacking and reckless driving and public endangerment but not good with a white crossdresser doing a Keystone Cops routine during an NFL game?

Hypocritical, no?

What’s more, the NFL will show gruesome injuries from thousands of angles in slow motion, but then they apparently don’t have the stomach for the good clean fun that happens when you combine beer and football and mental instability. None of this lines up and all they’re doing is ruining our good time.

Our political leaders are lunatics and they get on TV all the time, yet a blue-collar sports fan with a little too much to drink and screw loose can’t show America his stuff on our biggest national holiday? What has happened to our country? Where was I when taking off most of your clothes and frolicking became something frowned upon?

When we were small playing football in the street the most common words uttered in the huddle were, “Okay everybody run a streak!” Now, you still may be able to run a streak but you’ve forever lost the freedom to watch one … So sad.

Photo credit: NakedSatyr (read profile before following) on VisualHunt.com / CC BY-ND