I got hired to come up with a new name for the NFL team that plays in Washington DC. I think they made a smart choice. You may recall that this team, for a long time, was called the Redskins. Leave it to a town of politicians to think a derogatory term for another race was a good choice for the mascot of the Capital’s signature franchise. Anywho, they asked me to help them out. They gave me a few vague guidelines: 1) stay away from names that might offend our fellow human beings or that may portray certain groups in an unflattering light, like the Fighting Irish; 2) we don’t want the same old names that everybody uses, there are too many Wildcats and Bulldogs; 3) a connection to our city and its unique story would be cool, but don’t give us any reference to DC teams of the past (thank God, DC has had a bunch of lame ones, Wizards, Senators, Capitals, Nationals, Spirit … barf).

The deal is that they want me to provide a shortlist of three to five names, then they will pick the winner from a hat. They’re afraid if they let the fans vote that there may be mail-in ballot fraud, Internet hacking, or violence at the polling places. I think you’ll find a lot of good choices here.

The Wild Turkeys
Nothing strikes fear into the heart of an opponent than a finely-feathered bird. You probably know that Benjamin Franklin wanted the national bird to be the turkey, saying it was a much more respectable bird than the eagle and that it was a true native of America. So the DC football team can right this fowl injustice. A turkey in the wild will peck your eyes out should you try to make him Thanksgiving dinner. One of the early Washington football team helmets featured a sweet feather, so you could bring back a beloved tradition and after victories, you could distribute shots of Wild Turkey bourbon. There are a number of great promotional tie-ins with a name like the Wild Turkeys, like, “This thigh injury is brought to you by the Wild Turkeys,” or should you switch to a camera view of the cheerleaders the announcer could say, “These plump breasts are the very best of the Wild Turkeys.” (I decided to leave that one out of my proposal.) I can hear the Gobble-Gobble cheer now.

The Constitution
How great would it be to see the Bill From Capital Hill (Schoolhouse Rock, remember?) on the side of an NFL helmet. I think a walking, talking piece of parchment is the kind of sports mascot we all need right now. It would be important for players to be reminded of those documents, penned with an ink well and a quill (see, there’s that feather again), that made this country great. And just like the NFL rule book, The Constitution is written in language nobody can understand, so the less astute on the team won’t have to feel self-conscious about not really understanding our founding document. “Welcome to today’s game ladies and gentlemen and as you watch this afternoon remember, during these uncertain times you can always count on your Constitution.”

The Potato Skins
The people of Washington DC long referred to their team simply as the Skins and now they can cheer for the Skins in a delicious new way without insulting the Natives. It helps the story here that the original potato skin was invented by Zachary Taylor, our twelfth President (it’s a long story). The helmet will feature our lovable spud on one side and the cheese and bacon condiments on the other. Every fan will immediately want to root, root, root for the root vegetable, and it’s a no brainer that this golden-brown mascot will be a big hit with vegan types. “One potato, two potato, three potato four let’s go Skins, score, score, score!” Come on, the potato, if selected properly, is shaped like a football, it’s the primary diet of most of the players and it can be prepared in hundreds of ways – just like a football gameplan. Even your PETA-obsessed neighbor will dig it.

There’s winning ideas all over the field

Photo on Visualhunt.com