Lots of people are just sittin’ about and whining these days. Not me. I’ve been busy in my workshop inventing things to help society.

The first thing I invented is a product called “One-100th”. Have you noticed that all the disinfecting solutions like Lysol only kill 99.9 percent of germs? Well, I devised a liquid that kills that final 1/100th percent of germs. Yep, it won’t be long before aerosol bottles of One-100th will be sitting on store shelves right next to the Lysol, so you’ll be able to eliminate the 99.9 percent of microscopic crawly things with one spray and then use my second spray to kill those pesky remaining contaminators. Why not get ’em all, right? Sometimes it just takes a different kind of brain to solve the really big problems.

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There was a movie made in 1970 called Kelly’s Heroes, Clint Eastwood, Donald Sutherland, Don Rickles, maybe you saw it? It was a war movie about a wacky tank outfit. Anyway, these guys mounted great big speakers to their tanks and blasted classical music from them as they went into battle. Supposed to disorient the enemy I think.

I invented a similar speaker that can be bolted onto the roofs of electric cars. I’m working on legislation to make these speakers mandatory in all fifty states. They won’t play music, just the sound of a big gas-powered truck, really loud! Electric cars are silent killers and are a menace to society. These speakers look like hell, but it’s clear that the mental defectives who drive these golf carts don’t give a shit about how they look anyway … they just want the world to think they are planet-friendly intellectuals (we don’t).

So making all electric cars sound like smog-belching diesel trucks just makes good sense, it will save lives and give the people who like to plug-in their cars a much-needed dose of toughness after a hard day of tracking spotted owls. Look for the “Stop-Sneaking-Up-On-Me Speaker” in variety shops soon.

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Every meat has it’s own sandwich … ham, turkey, roast beef, steak, even fuckin’ baloney has it’s own sandwich. But not bacon. Bacon has to ride sidecar with fuckin’ lettuce and tomato or it’s used as a garnish or a fuckin’ topping on other sandwiches. It makes me sick, so I invented the “Bacon Sandwich”.

Show me the menu that has a bacon sandwich on it. You can’t can you? Two pieces of toasted white bread and loads of disgusting lettuce and slice after slice of bleeding tomatoes topped with two chintzy strips of bacon is NOT a Bacon Sandwich!

Here’s how a Bacon Sandwich goes. Get a French roll, grill it with some butter, garlic powder and parmesan. Then layer in a pound of bacon, cooked like your fuckin’ life depended on it (well done but not burnt). Cut it in half and stick both sides of it with one of those plastic toothpicks that looks like a pirate sword. Serve it with fries or Ruffles and a big side of Tabasco BBQ sauce. Drink two mass-produced American beers as you consume.

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In an effort to put the foot back in football, I invented the first Fantasy Football League where all of the teams are only comprised of punters. It’s pretty damn popular. You get points for spiral tightness, kicks inside the 20-yard line, total punt yardage. If your punter gets roughed you get extra points, there’s a point bonus for punts that roll for over fifteen yards, if the punt lands directly, on the fly, on any of the painted yard-line numbers you get that number of points and, of course, the biggest points bonanzas occur when a punter makes a tackle or is assessed a penalty.

Oh, one other thing, if a punted ball hits any of the endzone pylons, well, the game is over and you my friend can chock up victory that week.

When you’ve had enough of prima donna receivers and injured running backs and QBs that slide down like little girls with skirts, then you’re ready for the Fantasy Punters League. Most of your athletic friends are already playing.

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I invented, or I should say, I trademark a lot of word phrases recently too. Like, I own the phrase “In these challenging times,” and also the word “Unprecedented” used in any medical context and early on in 2020 I read the tea leaves and I trademarked the phrase, “I can’t smell it taste anything”.

So even though these repeated words bug the hell out of you at least I get a check every time they are uttered aloud or used in print. Just sayin’.

I’m not the kinda guy who gives out unwanted advice, but I say instead of sitting there shoving a cotton swab way, way up your nose, maybe get inventive.

Photo credit: jmunt on VisualHunt.com / CC BY-NC