• When they changed the flavor of green-colored candies (Life-Savors, Skittles, countless others) from lime to green apple or watermelon or melon or who knows what flavor? On whose authority was this decision made and to whom do I lodge a formal complaint? Why pick on the lime? We all know he is more refreshing and has more personality than the lemon, yet, still, almost all yellow candies remain lemon flavored. You can’t just hijack a candy flavor without some sort of vote or global discussion. I plan to litter the landscape with green candies in protest.
  
• When the rainbow – the beautiful, magical rainbow – was commandeered and put to work as some sort of symbol of sexual activism? The rainbow is a natural miracle that provides a literal roadmap to the pot of gold, not some form of propaganda for what’s in your pants (or what you wish was in your pants) … Look, Timmie, there’s a rainbow, let’s talk about your sexual orientation. It was better when a rainbow was a scientific phenomenon and a moment of wonderment.
• When it became okay to publicly call the President of the United States names? I think it would be healthier, regardless of who you voted for, to send positive vibes to the leader of the free world because you dig America and it’s pretty groovy to be American. So now when I hear people call our president the devil or a jerk face I say, “Hey, hey, hey, that’s Mister Jerk-Face or Commander-in-Chief Jerk-Face to you! Show a little respect.”
• When, in order to keep little brats quiet in a restaurant, you had to start providing them with their own personal electronic devices? Last week we saw eight members of a family at an eatery, the adults at one end and the kids on the other. Each kid had a $5,000 tablet computer (I think they were hacking into government databases). These people (they may have been from a faraway country like China) spoke not a word to each other and they were there before us and left after us. The lack of discipline, the total surrender of parental authority and responsibility is appalling. I feel like it’s my duty to provide counsel, so I wrote a script and it starts with, “Okay you little bastards were going to dinner tonight … mom and I sold off the tablets and in doing so we paid off the house … anyway, at dinner you can talk to each other, read a book or color … if you choose to color you will be given a paper menu and ONE crayon, if you break your crayon you have to go sit in the car, if you complain about what color crayon you received your crayon will be confiscated and you will sit with hands folded and watch us eat … you will color like you’ve never colored before until I tell you to stop and if that happens you will be allowed to eat the meal I order for you … any questions …?”
• When the referees became the most important, the most talked-about part of a football game? The typical NFL football game is now comprised of sixty-five percent commercials, thirty percent watching referees explain penalties (or watching a computing device to review penalties) and five percent game action. I recognize the face of an NFL official faster than I do the face of my own kids. It’s been years since I’ve seen two actual NFL plays consecutively without a penalty being called in between. Not only can a defensive back not touch a wide receiver, but if he fails to compliment him after each play it’s a foul. Every telecast has a penalty expert because penalties are so plentiful and the game is so fuckin’ nuanced that the rules need to be deciphered by a Ph.D… and this fuckin’ rules expert/penalty whisperer is turning a fuckin’ NFL game into a constitutional law class.

Well … where were you? Yeah, yeah, I can’t remember where I was either, I just woke up one morning and the world had changed.

Photo on Visualhunt