Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. When people and companies spend an infinitesimal amount of time, money and energy trying to replicate the real thing, to create a fake, synthetic, artificial version of something very valuable, society has a name for it – a con job. You can see it a mile away, except this time instead of the mob counterfeiting hundred dollar bills, the Plant Mafia is trying to pass off fake hamburger patties … and it tastes just like meat! Yeah right, and fuckin’ Willie Wonka makes a pill that tastes just like a ham sandwich, a bag of chips and a chocolate shake all at once.

If you like plants, then party on. If you only want to eat things you found in the dirt, no one’s stopping you, but what’s the preoccupation with making plants look like real food? It’s like its Halloween and everything in the garden’s dressed up as some form of meat. Meat should sue plants for defamation of character and impersonating something with flavor. Every stupid plant wants to snuggle up to a sesame seed bun and a slice of American cheese.

Every hipster wants to condemn meat, but every plant wants to be meat. It’s a trendy, follow-the-crowd, look-at-me-I’m-healthy joke. I’m here to stand up for my friend, meat.

♦

I didn’t see the commercial, just heard it. A cute little girl’s voice asks someone if they’d like to taste a burger made out of plants. She says it tastes good and that, “I’m a kid so if I like it …” Her voice trails off but the unspoken, implied meaning is clear – if kids like it then everyone will like it.

I would have completed the sentence differently. “… And I’m a kid so if I like it (the plant burger) … then”:
-“It means I’ve been brainwashed by liberal parents who believe animals should have more rights than people.”
-“It’s because my mom’s an awful cook and she doesn’t buy any snacks, so I’ll pretty much eat anything that strangers give me.”
-“You’ll be able to tell that I’ve had a miserable childhood and I’d do anything to be like normal kids in the meat world.”

I learned that at least one of these plant patties is made with peas, rice and mung beans with beets added to give it burger color. Restaurants are offering plant food in the exact same configuration as real food – that is, bun, cheese, bacon, chili, secret sauce, mayo, lettuce, etc. – except they strip out the meat and replace it with mung beans.

The message is that you can eat all the shit you eat today and if you just replace the burger with a little mung, then you will live to be 100 and you’ll save the planet and every animal in it and you’ll have a skinnier butt. Bullshit.

♦

Anyway, I just want to stick up for meat, so I actually talked to meat, stood right there in front of the butcher’s case. I was mostly talking to the hamburger patties, but the steaks and roasts were also there. As a result, I’ve drafted this open letter from meat to plants.

Dear Plants,

“You seem obsessed with us and we don’t know why. If you hate us so much why are you trying to be just like us? We were okay when you got together and formed a salad, although, if you remember, we did tell you that no one would ever eat you unless you poured on think layers of fattening dressing. Anyway, you’ll never taste as good as us so just face it. We can be economical and we’re high in protein and we’re part of a healthy diet, but you never ever mention that, you just lie and make it seem like vegans were dropped down from heaven. Well, you’re just a bunch of seeds and weeds to us and if you continue to imitate us and defame us in public, you’ll be hearing from our lawyers … and remember, you couldn’t grow a fuckin’ inch without a bunch cow manure – smelly stinking manure from delicious, meaty cows.”

You can’t get blood from a turnip; you can’t get meat from a mung bean; there’s no such thing as a meat plant.

Photo on Visual hunt