How many times a day should you pee? Ten times? Twelve? Seventeen? Ya, about seventeen. It would be twenty-three but you’re apt to doze off a few times during the night. This is your reality if you decide to try what the world keeps bugging you about – staying hydrated. You gotta fuckin’ stay hydrated, you should drink at least sixteen ounces every hour, but don’t worry, it’s good for you, it will cleanse you, give you more energy, purge your body of all those toxins that make you twitch and give you headaches and fill your mind with diabolical thoughts.

Bullshit. After one full day of this modern water torture your bladder shrinks to the size of a thimble and after every single sip you need to grab your junk or hop on one foot to avoid wetting yourself. Ya, but water is earth’s magic elixir, the secret to better overall health and the precious formula the fends off every human malady.

No, it fuckin’ isn’t. H2Overated. By the third day of your personal battle with the great water conspiracy you’re bloated, your stomach is sloshing around like it was a fifty-gallon drum of antifreeze despite your fifty-one visits to the urinal. You’ll be constipated because water creates a dam in the human body. Shit, everybody knows that beer and Coke are the liquids that regulate our natural bodily functions. If we were intended to float around in lakes of water we’d be fish.

And water tastes like nothing. Tap water, water from the hose in the city of Maywood, something that says it’s from the French Alps, all the same … nothing. Air has more flavor. Why waste a perfectly good swallow? Why put the stress on your throat, why go to the trouble of lifting a glass? If you decide to chug all the wet nothing society expects, you’ll wear out your tongue and you’ll most likely gain weight and get those side cramps you got when you tried to run the mile during middle school PE.

Whatever you do don’t get caught up in buying bottled water. Many people get addicted in this regard. Why pay extra for something that tastes like nothing? Do you need fresher nothing? Status nothing? Nothing packaged with extra plastic in an easy-to-grip cylinder? It’s better to just get up every fifteen minutes and slosh over to the kitchen or bathroom sink, put your mouth to the spigot and gulp the shit ’til you run out of breath. And be very careful not to cut yourself while hydrating because water will flow from the wound as if a backhoe punctured the mainline.

So if we get a few warm months here every newscast will start talking about the drought and they’ll start putting a guilt trip on you because you let the faucet run while you’re brushing your teeth but we all know that the real reason water’s scarce is that all of your brainwashed neighbors are fuckin’ drinking it all. Now I’m nothing if not civic minded so here’s what I’ll do, I’ll end my personal dumb water experiment and save the earth by never again drinking from the tap or a lame metal container I hang around my neck or a stupid plastic bottle shipped here from a mountain stream.

Maybe you’ll do the same … for the sake of your bladder.

Photo credit: zone41 on VisualHunt / CC BY-ND