It was a week ago Thursday, the first day of the 2019 NFL draft and, while I was not exactly giddy, I knew that this made-for-TV event was the closest I’d get to meaningful football for the next five months.

Because of my age, I need to get to work early and then leave while the sun’s still up to avoid falling asleep at my desk. So there I sit, maybe 7:30 AM, when I hear voices outside my office: Hey dude, today’s the big day! Ya, I can’t believe it’s finally here, it’s gonna be epic! Yep, I’m not sure how I’ll make it through the day I’m so amped!

I’m twice as old as most of the people I work with and they mostly talk and care about things that make no sense to me, so I was slightly surprised that they were suddenly excited about the NFL draft.

Well, it turns out that these young employees were actually all aflutter because some superhero movie was premiering the same night as the draft. This was news to me. Apparently, it was a big deal and anticipation had been building within the lets-pretend community for months.

The only thing I’ve done consistently right throughout my life is to shun comic books and superheroes and anything wielding a lightsaber. I’ve saved a fair amount of money, but more importantly, I’ve been able to steer clear of one of the world’s most notorious groups of losers – the super zeros.

Most superheroes are men and so are most super zeros. They tend to be nerds, socially inept people whose only successful relationships happen in their minds. Super zeros are more likely to wear footie pajamas, more likely to have acne and are almost certain to play video games in the basement of a home owned by their grandmother.

A scary bunch. People to avoid, to fear. Statistics tell us that almost all serial killers also owned a superhero costume and at least seven pairs of tights. Their superhero fixation is largely driven by their own ineptitude in life. Never selected to be on a team on the playground, the super zero went home and pretended. When other little boys were imagining their second-grade teacher naked, super zeros imagined they had on tights and utility belts, pretty much ensuring a life of involuntary celibacy.

I realize that everything I don’t understand isn’t necessarily bad … but … well … if you’re a grown man and you put on a costume with a mask and go to the movie theater to watch comic book stories come to life then you, my friend, deserve to be treated like a social outcast.

We should feel sorry for them but instead, I think it’s best for society to put these people on a public list, like felons and perverts, so that we will clearly know those among us with enfeebled minds and fantasy world hallucinations.

For people who live in the real world, Cap’n Crunch is the true superhero.

Photo on Visualhunt.com