It troubles me that so many people who identify as heterosexual male routinely display baggish behavior. I feel like I should do something to help. Of course, the bag I refer to, the bag many men need to be saved from, plucked out of, is the douche bag. By way of definition, a douche bag, in the popular parlance, is a term directed at straight men who through their actions, appearance or some other characteristic cause society to wonder out loud whether they might be secretly purchasing feminine hygiene products. In short, a dude that gets labeled a “douche,” well, he does stuff only a chick would do.

Of course, many men who do douchy things are, in fact, douche bags. For them, there’s nothing we can do. But there is a whole nother batch of men who may be falsely accused – who may just have a douchy moment or maybe they’re going through a short-term douche bag phase – and these are the people we may be able to help. Therefore, as this blog is a public service, we shall try.

The harsh reality is that if the world witnesses a man committing even one random act of douchiness, he’s considered a full-blown douche bag. Still, it’s completely possible that a douchy act is just a momentary lapse in judgment, or worse, ignorance as to what actions are clearly, instantly, considered douchebaggery.

The list of things that are naturally, organically and most-definitely douchy seems obvious, but guys have blind spots, they get confused by a society that wants to narrow the gap between boys and girls and they make bad decisions when they try to act cool.

If we can prevent just one dude from being falsely placed in the bag then our work here is noble. (The list is a partial list excerpted from the American Journal of Male Behavior.)

Mohawk Tendencies … If the head is shaved, down to the skin, all the way around (the sides and the back) and only a little tuft of hair is left on the top, well, this is unwise, and, douchy. In fact, you can say that any type of overly-meticulous haircutting – carved initials, multiple hair lengths on one head, intricate combing, etc. – is a douche bag pursuit. The beauty parlor is a chick thing. Time dedicated to excessive coiffing is a ride on the douche highway.

You Are What You Drive … Driving a convertible is a douche bag maneuver. Ya, but I like the sun on my face and the feel of salt spray on my skin (that voice in your head is the voice of a douche bag). Indeed the open road is a minefield of douchery and almost all convertibles and Corvettes and foreign sports cars are obvious signs of a man in a bag.

Pocket Dogs … If you own a stupid little dog that looks like the end of a mop and wets itself when it barks, society will consider you a douche bag. If your wife or girlfriend owns such a dog and you walk it, you’re still a douche bag, and if you push one of these little rat dogs in a stroller then you probably also piss sitting down.

Women Wear “Outfits” … If you own work-out clothes, bike shorts or sleeveless shirts that aren’t tank tops, there are two words for you – DOUCHE BAG. Mainstream men get exercise wearing ordinary shorts and a t-shirt; they don’t own outfits.

Hey Stinky … Women can look cute in a football jersey. It’s a right of passage for little kids to rock the number of their favorite athletes, but a grown man wearing a Bret Favre jersey is way, way out-of-bounds and it doesn’t get a whole lot douchier. Likewise, when a man refers to a professional athlete by their nickname, when words like “Black Mamba” actually come out of his mouth, he transforms from a fan to a weenie. It’s okay to be ten-years-old and call your neighbor Stinky, but idolizing and worshipping male ballplayers with lame nicknames? Not okay.

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