Would you send a cocktail back if it was served with a paper straw? I would.

“Excuse me, can I get a straw?”
“There’s a straw right there in your glass sir.”
“No, this is a piece of paper, and paper should never end up in a fine cocktail. A drink cannot be sipped through paper and a cocktail cannot be stirred with paper. You see, I intend to use the straw to spin the ice within the glass to create a small vortex in which all of this cocktail’s ingredients dance about one another to create the ideal balance of intoxicating liquid deliciousness. I’m essentially gonna use the straw as a little oar. Would you paddle a boat with a paper oar?”
“Of course not, so I’ll tell you what you do, either go find me a real straw or remake this cocktail without any paper in it.”

Of course, the most irritating part about encountering a paper straw in your cocktail is what it says about the people who run the establishment. It means they value political correctness, it means they are self-absorbed, willing to do things just for show and that they care more about appearances than substance. What’s more, it means they are misinformed. They tend to make a big deal out of the insignificant. The only tangible effect of a paper straw is a disgruntled customer.

♦

There’s a floating mass out there on the ocean, about the size of a small country,  comprised of the world’s discarded plastic. “Green” people would have you believe that the pile is mostly plastic straws, that the straws are particularly dangerous to wildlife and that if you and your friends would simply stop using straws this problem can be cleared up in a week or so.

Poppycock. The floating plastic island is overwhelmingly comprised of discarded fishing gear and the vast, vast majority of this plastic trash was put there by the world’s poorest people, not by a group of ladies in Malibu. Experts say straws make-up a trifling amount of the world’s plastic and while the occasional sea animal may get poked in the eye with a straw, I think that many ocean dwellers appreciate the use of a straw now and again as a convenient alternative to continuously having to gulp sea water.

The truth is that straws are very seldom needed at all and we could use way less of them. No one really needs to drink out of one (as you’ve seen, I almost exclusively use mine as stir stick), rather, their main use is as part of a pervasive spill-avoidance system whereby the plastic lid of the to-go cup always needs to travel with a straw. Stop the fast food business and you stop the straw. Eliminate the drive-thru window, eliminate the straw. Abolish the in-car drink holder and straw use plummets.

♦

Yesterday I heard a radio ad that said in part, “Turning off the lights will help save the environment.” That’s ridiculous on its face.

“Hey honey, watch this. See that hole in the ozone layer up there? Well, watch what happens when I turn off the light in the garage. Did you see that? Here, I’ll turn the light “on”, did you see, the hole in the ozone got bigger … And now when I turn the light “off”, you see! it gets smaller …”

The state of the world’s pollution is in no way tied to the light switch of the suburban homeowner.

Environmentalists are typically liars and overreactors … they yell “Fire!” at every wisp of smoke. They think they’re better than you, somehow chosen to a holy task. The danger of this to you and me is that they agitate for legislation in the name of the environment that will result in higher taxes and bigger government and a reduction in your civil liberties in exchange for, well, nothing … it’s all a paper straw, that is, something that symbolizes reform but is a grain of sand on the beach – insignificant in the extreme.

Everyone should follow their conscience as it pertains to consumption and conservation and social responsibility but green people should not be insulting the mainstream’s intelligence by implying that we can neutralize the world’s polluting ways by sucking on a paper straw and turning off the hallway light.

Photo credit: wuestenigel on VisualHunt/ CC BY