Do you ever see wearing-sunglasses-on-the-back-of-his-head guy? He’s a close relation to wearing-sunglasses-on-the-top-of-his-head guy, who I think is related to old-guy with a ponytail and shorts-that-go-all-the-way-down-to-your-ankles guy and fat guy wearing a tank top. It’s not that they’re actually related by blood, rather they are connected by the bad judgment they use and the stupid things that they do in the name of being hip.

I guess every dude wants to be hip to some degree, but you can’t really control these things. There are only really three types of men: hip guys, normal guys and unhip guys. Hip guys are pretty much born, they arrive with a certain style that can’t be taught, and, it’s kind of a long story but if you think you are, then you aren’t.

That leaves two significantly larger buckets. The difference then between normal guy and unhip guy is that normal guy knows he’s average (“normal”) and he is content to live in that space, while unhip guy knows he’s not hip but he’s gonna live every day trying to change that reality and convince the world of something that’s simply not possible. And so, he wears sunglasses on the back of his head, wears his hair in a ponytail decades after common sense tells you to stop that and talks really loud on his cellphone in really public places so that you’ll think he’s a big shot.

You really can’t go anywhere without seeing him and you might, in a weak moment, feel bad for him if he wasn’t so douchy and if you didn’t know that associating with him in any way may make you unhip-by-association when all you’re trying to be is normal.

So it’s best to stay away from the guy who puts the giant muffler on his Miata, steer clear of the accountants on the Harleys and the guy in the Jared Goff jersey. If you’re in the grocery store check out behind a dude with Tastes Like Dirt IPA and three limes, switch lines. And if you encounter any man with a personalized license plate frame, maybe it says: Captain America Is My Copilot, please, pull to the side of the road until the area is safe.

You don’t have to have eyes in the back of your head to follow the daily saga of the tragically unhip just keep your glasses on straight and look in just about any direction.

Photo credit: dannymol on VisualHunt.com/ CC BY