I need somebody to talk to about this weekend’s Patriots playoff game, and since I have a hard time getting people to talk to me in person, I guess you’ll have to do.

The Patriots aren’t very good. If you go down their roster from top to bottom it looks pretty average, not too many names anyone but a Patriots fan would recognize. They’ve had mediocre drafts for as long as I can remember and they never ever seem to play a game at full strength.

Still, they weren’t very good last year either and they went to the SuperBowl. They could have won that game. Did you remember that the Patriots never punted in that game? Brady threw for over 500 yards. Danny Amendola played good in that game which guaranteed that the Patriots would get rid of him – it’s the Patriots way. There’s never been a play more overrated in SuperBowl history than that fuckin’ touchdown pass Nick Foles caught. The world’s been ballwashing Foles ever since.

What’s the real reason – I mean the real reason – why Malcolm Butler didn’t play in that game? We’ll never know. One of the coolest thing about the Patriots is that they spend half their time engaged in football and the other half engaged in espionage. They should conduct their drafts from the Pentagon and practice at Area 51.

Remember Rob Gronkowski? Whatever happened to him? Is it just me or is Gronk the most breakable guy on earth? He’s like a giant rigid tree, stiff and inflexible and instead of sturdy pine or redwood he’s made of balsa wood. He runs down the field like a towering matchstick and every time he gets hit I always think an arm or a leg or some part of him will just snap off.

He’s been slow and not right all season. Maybe he’s done? If some semblance of the old Gronk doesn’t miraculously emerge from the tunnel on Sunday, the Patriots chances in this game are thin.

Speaking of miracles, how many can Brady have left? He’s still the best quarterback-sneaker in football and when he sets his feet he has plenty of arm strength and is hella accurate, but his body seems too old to react on lots of plays so he’ll instantly throw the ball into the turf, or worse, fall down and curl up like a bug.

For many Americans, Tom Brady provides the sole reason for carrying on so, for the sake of this country, I hope he has a few great games left … but there’s room for skepticism.

On offense, the Patriots don’t have enough weapons, so their execution and play calling needs to be flawless. James White will need to come up big, the Patriots will need to run the ball and they should use Cordarrelle Patterson, he’s been an effective change of pace all year.

On defense, they haven’t been able to get a pass rush, especially with just their front four, that’s a problem. Normally in these situations, Belichick will sell out to stop the run and then try to capitalize when the opponent is faced with a lot of third-and-longs. In this week’s game, it seems like he needs to find ways to consistently get to Rivers beginning with the first snap.

Did you know that there’s no such thing as a San Diego Chargers fan? I can tell you, I’ve lived here all my life and I never met one. Not one! They only exist in the imagination. The franchise only exists so that fans of other NFL teams can come to the West Coast and watch their team play. If you see someone sporting Chargers gear at the bar this weekend you’ll know they arrived there on the bandwagon. Early maps of California had San Diego remaining part of Mexico – it would have been better that way.

Realistically the Chargers are better than the Patriots at almost every position … that happens to the Patriots a lot and, well, lots of time the Patriots just win anyway.

I’m not saying that’s gonna happen this weekend, but it would be good for America if it did.

This has been therapeutic, thanks