Your married right? My apologies. The following was recorded in every married household in America. It was acquired from the federal government through the Freedom of Information Act. They tape every conversation that takes place anywhere in the continental US (duh!). I remind you of this only so you won’t think I made this up.

Her: “Did you remember that we’re having dinner with the Harris’ tonight?”
Him: “That’s news to me!”
Her: “No, I told you a few days ago that we got an invitation and that I thought we should go.”
Him: “No you didn’t, I would have remembered that … this is the first time I’m hearing this.”
Her: “Bull, I told you on Tuesday … Ya, it was Tuesday night, you were in bed, I nudged you awake and told you about it.”
Him: “Well, I know I never knew anything about this because I would have never agreed to dine with the Harris’ … All that guy ever does is talk about his job and about how he closed some big deal to sell seventy-five trainloads of aluminum pipe to the government of Poland … I would have never signed up for that.”
Her: “You never listen to a word I say!”
Him: “I’m not responsible for things told to me while I’m asleep.”
Her: “Asleep, awake, it doesn’t matter, you have the attention span of a fuckin’ toddler … well, we’re going to dinner tonight with the Harris’. Surprise!”

♦

Her: “Did you see we got invited to Denise Marshall’s wedding? They’re not getting married in a church, they’re getting married at a sports bar …”
Him: “Ya, you told me.”
Her: “Nothing like the smell of wings sauce and beer-soaked carpet on your wedding day … can you believe that?”
Him: “Yep, you told me all about it.”
Her: “Did you hear that their wedding colors are blue and gold … you think you’re going to a wedding but you end up at a fuckin’ Rams game.”
Him: “Ya, you told me … pretty strange.”
Her: “If you wanted to spend your big day in a bar, why not get married by a justice of the peace and then just have a bar party?”
Him: “That’s what you asked me the first time you told me this story.”
Her: “They want you to put money in their bank account instead of giving them a gift, or there’s a website you can go to and one of the things you can sign-up to buy them is a round of shots for the bridal party … how romantic.”
Him: “You told me all of this the day we got the invitation. Why is it that when you ask me if  I’ve “heard” something that no matter what I say, you just tell me the whole story again anyway?”
Her: “Okay fine, I’ll never tell you a story again, I won’t keep you up to date on your family and friends … I forgot, you’re a fuckin’ know-it-all anyway …”

♦

The moral of the story? The government wastes a lot of money spying on average people having stupid conversations. Listening in on someone else’s marriage is a lot like listening in on your own. Marriage is mostly filled with either conversations you never had or ones you’ve had over and over again.