Not many people seem too interested anymore about getting to heaven. Indeed, there are entire continents of people who don’t even believe such a thing exists and in societies where heaven was once a popular final destination most have decided that long-range goals just spoil the immediate pursuit of fun. Thinking pragmatically, if heaven were to lie somewhere north of here I think that most people would consider it an in-demand option, and as such, admission into heaven seems to warrant some sort of contemplation here on earth.

I don’t know how you get in. I think we all probably know a couple of actions that pretty much guarantee that a dude a will be on the outside looking in, but the exact formula for instant entry … I’m not sure.

The one thing I do know about getting into heaven is that you have to complete a questionnaire. The questions aren’t really that hard, I think there are about twenty of them, but still, even the best test-takers can panic when the time comes because: A) you can’t lie, I mean you can lie, you can try to lie but a buzzer will go off every time you do until you cop to the truth and B) the guy grading the test knows all the answers – I mean ALL the answers – so it can be intimidating.

Anyway, I saw part of The Heaven Questionnaire under circumstances I’m not at liberty to discuss. As a public service, I thought I should share what I saw in the hopes that it will do somebody some good. Of course, I don’t know the correct answers to any of these questions, just that they are included in a questionnaire that is used as part of heaven’s admission requirements.

If you think you know what would be considered the right answer to any of these questions well then maybe it’s not too late to steer your life in the direction that will yield the most beneficial answer. Here are the questions I saw (worded exactly as I saw ’em):

How Many Selfies Did You Take?
Again, I have no idea what the best answer would sound like. Most of the I-want-to-get-to-heaven crowd seems to think that life is supposed to have something to do with service to others. If every picture you ever took has you in it, then that could be a bad sign. This might be a good time to look for some life subjects other than yourself.

How Much Pollution Did You Generate?
The question asks you to rate yourself on a scale of one-to-ten based on how often you tried to avoid being an ecological slob. It’s kind of a rough question considering all those empty beer cans you tossed out on the freeway and how many plastic straws you used. In a weird way, this question seems to favor the fatties among us because since they never go anywhere they can never clutter-up a national park, they always refill their 64-ounce SuperTanker at the AM/PM and since they eat mostly drive-thru fast food, all their trash is still in the backseat of their Honda Civic.

Who Was The Best U.S. President?
At first glance, this appears to be a rogue intellectual question in the middle of what should be a mostly moral quiz, but on closer examination it seems clear that God is simply using this question to thin the herd, knowing that entire generations of Americans don’t know the names of any U.S. presidents, and accordingly, he can quickly shorten the queue that sometimes builds up at the gates.

What Is The Likelihood You Have Children You Don’t Know About?
My knee-jerk reaction is that the best answer here would be “slim-to-none,” but again remember, you can’t lie. Remember that night in San Antonio? Remember when you woke up and you didn’t know where you were? Remember how you started off with $250 in a money clip and ended up with three one-dollar bills in a velcro wallet? Well, look on the bright side, this questionnaire will straighten out all of your wasted days and wasted nights.

Who’s Your Favorite Saint?
If you say Drew Brees or Archie Manning, God won’t think that’s funny. He hears a lot of saint jokes and people answering the questionnaire are always stalling for time and telling riddles that involve angels or nuns or Irish men of the clergy. I think God here is simply looking to see if you had at least one kindly reflection on a saintly life. I’ve also heard anecdotal stories that test-takers don’t score high when they answer St. Louis.

How Many Times Did You Steal?
On this question they give multiple choice options: A) 1-5, B) 6-25, C) 26-100, D) Over 100. The question assumes that everybody has stolen something, it’s simply a matter of how many times. I’ve heard tales of lawyers in line who ask, “Sir, can you please define stealing?” It seems like answering anything other than option “A” makes you a stealer – and not the kind that lives in Pittsburgh.

Is ‘Gosh Darn It’ As Bad As Saying ‘Goddammit’?
This is a “yes-no” question so you’ll have a 50-50 chance (shit, this may be the only chance any of us has of getting one right). This question feels a little like we’re being asked to interpret the Ten Commandments so you may want to watch the movie of the same name that had Charlton Heston in it.

I think the point here is you could study your ass off, steal the test and still flunk like hell.

Photo credit: albertogp123 on VisualHunt/ CC BY